Thursday, October 30, 2014

I'm Tired Dear Lord

I’m Tired Dear Lord
By: Rose Barbour
I can no longer carry the weight
Of such a heavy burden
I’m tired Dear Lord
And my heart is hurting.
That little child you gave to me
Who I love beyond words
Is now someone I don’t recognize
Flying higher than the birds.
He is a slave to a disease
That is devastatingly cruel
Lord, I’m trying to protect him
Isn’t that the rule?
In complete desperation
I stay up late each night
Praying for the answers
But I just can’t make it right.
Everything I’ve tried has failed
His addiction keeps on winning
I’m on a roller coaster ride
And my head is spinning.
I am exhausted, sad and
Have nothing left to give
I ask you Dear Lord
Please let my child live.
Save him from the grips
Of the demon’s hands
Please bring him back home to me
For I no longer can.
A mother’s love is a blessing
But sometimes it’s not enough
I need some help from you, Lord
This life can be so tough.
Please give me guidance
On what I’m supposed to do
Please help my heart to heal
From all it has been through.
I’ve met so many great parents
Who are living through this hell
Please open your arms to them
And heal their hearts as well.


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A Stroke At 43

I had a stroke one week ago today. 


I can't believe it... It came out of nowhere shut me down in the middle of my work day. I know it's because I'm stressed beyond measure. All the reports the doctors did say I'm perfectly healthy, I have good blood pressure, I don't have high cholesterol and my heart's in good physical condition but yet I had a stroke. Perhaps it's because I'm depressed... there are no words to describe how my heart feels! To say it's broken into a million pieces is putting it lightly. I don't know how to turn it off, the heartaches and the sadness... it feels like this madness will never end. I'm scared now for my own well being my health is declining and I don't know how to stop this, I don't know how to turn it off...!! (Tears flowing) How do you move on with your life when your son is broken when he keeps killing himself? That's the million dollar question! For someone on the outside looking in it's easy to say you need to let him go you need to move on and try to be happy, you need to live your life. I get that I understand that and I want to be able to get by from day to day without my fucking stupid heart hurting!!!!!!!! But when I wake up and I look at my wall of pictures I see the boy lost and I yearn for him to come back home to come back to me drug free. (Crying) 

It's never going to happen is it? I lost him to this evil world. My beautiful boy... Oh my sweet beautiful boy how I will miss you the real you!



Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Dear Son

Dear Son,

It's been eight days since I've heard from you. I don't know where you are, where your staying or if you have food to eat!! Are you OK? Are you taking your meds? I know your mad at us but someday your going to see that we did everything we possibly could to help you over come this addiction. We just can't have you home while your using. I don't want it in our home... I DON'T WANT IT IN YOUR LIFE! This has been the most stressful heart-aching thing to have to go through as a parent. Watching you self destruct and not being able to stop you has been madding. Your daddy and I have been searching the internet for hours at time year after years trying to find answers to it all. Out of hundreds of articles, rehab websites and blogs it all boils down to you and your free will. YOU have to choose to get well, you have to want it, it has to be your choice. My begging and pleading, my tears and worry, my demands and my pushing were never going to work. Your desire to recover has to be stronger than your desire to do drugs. And right now I don't think your ready to stop. Your desire for heroin has such a tight grip on you that it blinds you to everything your doing and everything you're losing... it's blinded you so much that you can't see me or your family anymore.

I love you so very much son. I would die for you. I'm lost without you and I miss you so much it hurts. Please stay alive... please come back to me.


Friday, October 10, 2014

Week One

As far as I know as of right now my son is homeless. He asked to move back in this week because they ran out of money and they can't pay rent, they have no place to go because no one will take them in. As hard as it was for my husband and I to hear this we HAD to say no. Why, let me explain; He's never truly hit rock bottom. He's always lucked out in one way or another. He's the luckiest boy I know. Seriously! Our hope is if we make a stand this time and we stick to it, NO MATTER what he tells us he will finally get  a real taste of what this kind of life will bring him and he will choose to get the treatment he so desperately needs. I literally can't breath when I think of him on the streets. But I'm running out of options. I've texted him twice already to check on him, my brother has texted him and so has Mia's grandmother but nothing... not a peep.  I believe we're all getting the silent treatment for saying NO. Week one no word!

Rock bottom they say is the only way to get an addict to want help. Let's hope their right! I just pray that rock bottom for MY son is us NOT having to bury him. But I'm well aware that could happen, unfortunately that's one of the side effects of rock bottom.

Monday, October 6, 2014

I Need a Break

And the anguish never ends. Al called me last night. He never calls me so I knew something was wrong. The money ran out… they will be homeless by Wednesday. They wanted to come and stay with me for two month. Apparently funds will be available by then, something about a CD?! I don’t know its probably all lies? I’m so weak; I would have let him come home, YES I sure would have. The thought of him being homeless kills me, it KILLS me. Thankfully my husband is strong and called Al to tell him no. Al is mad at us again… I’m sure in his mind we are horrible parents. Doesn’t he know how much pain we are in? Does he know that I’m dying inside? My body hurts, I have a headache, my eyes swollen from crying last night. I don’t want to be here! I truly don’t know how to live this way. I’m stumbling all over the place. I’m in a deep depression… I need a break!

Thursday, October 2, 2014

I Mean Really

Life has been a constant up and down journey for the past five years. But this year we've had a lot of growth in many ways, one is in our understanding of addiction. It helps us deal with Al better, it's made us both better parents to our sons and better people in general. The blinders are off and in a way that's freeing. There's not a day that goes by he's not on our mind. I wish he knew... I mean REALLY knew how much I need him to be well. How my happiness is gone, how my hearts ache. It's the honest to Gods truth... the ache in my heart never goes away.

It's funny because when I get a break from the madness something else will pop up to throw me off track. I guess I'm just lucky that way. BUT there's one thing that stays consistent, .... Junior, my beautiful youngest son Junior. He's doing good in school and in life and THAT right there alone brings us so much joy and peace. It's football season!! He plays on Varsity so every week we get to sit in the stands cheering him on and for those two short hours NOTHING else matters.Thank pumpkin for taking it easy us. Thank you for being our ray of sunlight, you know one that's piercing though those dark stormy clouds... thank you!