30 Days

Tuesday December 16th was Al's 30th day clean. He asked me to come and present his 30 day chip to him at his meeting. When he asked me... I sat there beside myself staring at him in total delight. He smiles from ear to ear as he sits at a table in the court yard across from me talking about his experiences for the day. The best part was he has this new found confidence and pride. It's exudes from him, poring out as he speaks.  He knows everyone there at his sober living home, he gets pats on the back as they walk by him, saying "Hey Allen" And from the across the court yard guys who look like their in biker gangs... to guys looking like skater dudes all shout out to him "ALLEN" he just smiles real big and says "hey guys". Every single person their knows him... when he sees them walking by he calls them out by name.. "HEYYY Tj... Hey Shantee, Hey Alec!! He's become quite the social butterfly! What I found pretty cool about this place was they have such a diverse group of men there and they all get along! They treat each other with respect and kindness. Maybe it's because they all have one thing in common? 

Al got a job too! He's a busser and a food runner at a nice restaurant called "Ztejas". When I called him last night to chat he said "I'm on a happy high mom" I said "do you mean a Jesus High?". He said "YEAH!! a Jesus high!! Life feels good, I'm clean, I love this recovery program, I got a job and I'm mending relationships with my family and I'm happy". I told Al... "I've never been more prouder of you than in this moment". He said "thanks mom, I'm trying". Ahhh... did you hear that? He's trying! Praise God... I give all the glory to you Lord!

I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling. I can FEEL the happiness brewing inside me almost to the point of crying but I haven't had that moment where I burst into tears yet? You know what I'm talking about... right? That moment when all your emotions of relief and happiness burst out of you in this heart felt sob. I'm happy at this very moment and it feels strange! I want that outburst, that long awaiting release of emotion believe it or not. I freaking need it!! BUT no, not happening. For six years I've felt nothing but anguish, and now I have none... ha-ha what the heck? It's like my heart is holding back on me. Perfect... I'm still pinning up my emotions. Oh well at least I'm happy!

I'm back on the heart monitor... I need to wear it for a month. The outcome of my heart situation is still undetermined. The funny things is I'm not scared... I'm OK with it... WHATEVER. Maybe it's peace I'm feeling, whatever it's called I'm OK come what may.