I Feel Like I'm Drowning

American Addiction Center in California. That’s the place where I want to send my son. West of San Diego… they are ready to treat him, paper work is filled out, insurance has been verified all I have left is to do is pay for the detectable. It’s a dual diagnose facility so they will not only medically treat his withdrawals to heroin but they will also treat his depression and bipolar. He will have access to the best care and treatment available.  When he’s ready to move on from the facility my cousin wants him to live with her. She lives close to the facility where I would be sending him. She has the resources to continue after care like going to meetings. She is a recovering addict herself. She runs meetings now and helps other addicts.  

There’s one catch… he has to choose to leave IT all behind him. Anything and everything and everyone who enables him behind him for good. He has to be willing to be selfish in this moment in his life. He has to say goodbye forever to Mai. He has to be willing to start his life over. 

Well.... I talked to him last night. As usual I we got into an argument. It all stems from his commitment to see her though. Part of me admire him for that but the other part of me hates it and wants to shake him and say what the hell is wrong with you. Why Cant you see it?

He's not just hooked to heroin... he's hooked to her. I realized during our talk that when it comes to that I lose. Until they both realize that their relationship is toxic nothing I say will matter.

I have to make a tough choices. Allen won’t give up Mai and he wants me to accept her, give her a chance. He gave me the whole spill on why I should. He even compared himself to her and said we have the same struggles she gets me she understands me she's the only one. How she’s really a good person underneath all her pain and she loves him and is there for him. I know as a Christian I should forgive her. He asked me last night to give her a chance because he loves her and they are going to recover together. At least that's what they want to do. I realized last night after talking to him that he’s not going to leave her. At least not anytime soon. He’s too wrapped up in their mess. I also realized he will never seek help if it means leaving her behind. I offered him the winning lottery ticket AGAIN last night. I told him I had arranged for him to go to an excellent treatment center in California and that they would treat all his issues including his depression... He said he will think about it. I know now I lost!!

As far as Mai I told him I needed to think about it. Because I wanted to REALLY think about this whole heartedly. And it all boils down to I JUST CAN’T! I can’t do it, I can’t support his relationship. I have to tell him how I feel and I need to be honest. I know doing this I may lose him. But I'm tired of living this way. I refuse to lie, to be compliant just to make it easier on him. I can’t turn a blind eye anymore, I can’t. He’ll chose her and I may not see him for a long time.

Why does it always seem like I'm drowning?!?!