Letter To My 15 Year Old Self

Letter To My 16 Year Old Self: Dear Me

I AM YOU Ana, we are 46 years old writing this letter in 2017. 30 years from no.  Knowing I'm writing this to myself at 16 is hard because I have so many things I want to say.

I know you feel so many things right now including shame and resentment. You have a lot on your heart. Forgive your parents and forgive your brother, they don't know any better, raising a son with addiction is confusing and scary and during this time and age there was no help for those who suffer from addiction, no one talks about it and there is a stigma attached to it. Your parent's hearts are broken, and your brother is confused as to why he feels this way. You will see how important this is later in life.

You will have two beautiful boys in your lifetime. Both boys will be born strong, healthy and intelligent. But as they get older one will take a turn for the worse like your brother did and your life will drastically change. You will be blind-sighted. You will go through a living hell, a sadness like no other, a sadness like nothing you've felt before and you will lose yourself to this sadness for many years as your son will be in heavy addiction for 7 years.

But before things get better your son will suffer greatly and he will walk the line between life and death. I won't sugar coat things for you it's going to be a rough ride so prepare yourself. You will be watching your son slowly drift away to heroin and it will take his SOUL, HOLDING HIM HOSTAGE. It will feel like you are mourning the death of a son who is still alive. You will fight for him and lose time after time again. You will see things you can't unsee and go through things you never thought you would go through as a mother. In addition, you will lose someone important through this journey, Mariah, she was close to you and loved your son during this time. She was Allen’s girlfriend and she will commit suicide due to addiction, she lost hope. You loved her but hated the addict in her! Her death will alter your life forever. It will change you and shape you into a different person and this pain will create scars that will last a lifetime. You will struggle to come to grip with all of it. You have never experienced this kind of loss and this kind of grief and it will knock you to the ground. (deep breath) Time will stand still and your heart will ache in places you didn't know existed. The pain from the years of yours sons addiction will surface, you will have so much sorrow, regret, anger, sadness, pain, grief and heartache. The pain bottled up inside you from everything you've gone through will cause you to have a nervous breakdown, a legitimate nervous breakdown. You will lay on your couch for days and lose track of time, your heath will fade and won't even care, death doesn't scare you, you just want this pain to end. You will see and learn a lot about yourself during this time. You will later be diagnosed with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder.

Be kind to yourself. You fought the good fight and you tried every trick in the book, you learned about addiction to better your understanding of it. But addiction is baffling, and no one will ever fully understand it so, forgive yourself Ana. Life is so unfair at time but it also can be beautiful too. (wiping away my tears) But never lose your faith,  you must believe in something greater otherwise life will have no meaning. Keep your faith in God! It will help you get through life. There's always a little light peeking through the dark somewhere; you just have to look.

PS: Love yourself and embrace change! Live your life with purpose and courage! Be courageous and never back down from your fear. I know things seem grey and bleak sometimes, but you will be OK, and your life will be good down the road. 

Healing begins once you truly let go and let God.