I Look Forward To Tomorrow

 Trying to heal from all the wounds of the past was really hard for me, I was finding it a bit of a struggle. But what I can say now is, things are getting better for me and more clearer with continuing therapy and the support of my family and friend. 

What I’ve learned is that I suffer from mental illness and I’m not ashamed of it anymore. I have Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. My sons addiction trigger me in such a way that I really did not understand or recognize what I was going through until I had a breakdown. The truth is I already suffered from depression. I've had it since I was a teenager. But having gone through my sons addiction sent me in a deep dark depression that I had no clue how to get out of.  When Mariah died it was as if someone stole every ounce of happiness from me, I felt like I lost... I felt like I lost the battle I was fighting so hard to win. The battle to get BOTH of them well. It felt like I had no control over my depression any longer. I began to have panic attacks, severe fatigue, crying spells, manic moods and was sleep deprived. I was maybe sleeping 2-3 hours a night AND working full time trying to hold it together. The "I'm OK" mask became to heavy to hold up anymore. I just thought that one day my depression would get better. Even though time pasted and my son  began to healed and got better and recovered I still could not get out of this dark place. I felt so broken, I felt so alone and I just thought no one would understand me and I honestly thought I was going crazy at one point. Come to find out that I was not alone that there a lot of people that feel or have felt the way I did. And there are places were you can go and get the help you need. 

 It’s a very humbling experience, to get help. You have to throw away all the ideas you had in your head about mental illness and you have to surrender to the process. Now that the fog has cleared and I can see more clearly I am able to control my thoughts and my depression much better now. 

I still have good and bad days just like anyone except my bad days are a little bit harder to overcome. But thanks to an amazing therapist and the worlds most understanding husband I am able to get through those bad days. I live a very happy functional life now. My son is on the road to recovery and this coming July he will be three years clean and sober from heroin. My youngest son is a junior in college now and my marriage is stronger than ever! 

If I wrote a book on all the struggles and pain and heartache I have experienced in my life it would be a best seller. One would think that all the pain and struggle our family went through would be impossible to overcome but for some reason it made us stronger it made us better people and made us more compassionate more loving. I’m grateful for today and for the first time in a long time I look forward to tomorrow.

 To all you parents out there who have children in active addiction or had children in addiction and are suffering from depression please know you are not alone. Please get help talk to somebody. Get a therapist, talk to your doctor. Trust me when getting help will heal your mind and heal your heart and someday you will find peace. 

Ana