Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The power of Family

This past Sunday our family came together and prayed for him. My cousins my nephews and niece, my brother my sister and my mom and my aunt all crowded in his empty room to prayed for him. As our voices synchronizing in prayer this overwhelming energy filled the room. All of our emotions just seemed poured out as we recited the rosary and everyone got a little emotional. It was such a powerful thing to see and feel. The love for him in that room was undeniable. I love my family, they are true prayer warriors.

One day at a time!

Thanks for listening,
Al"s Mom

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Half Empty

I feel like half of my soul is empty, a shell. I wander through my day half alive thinking of him and wondering if he’s ok. Part of me is always waiting for the doorbell to ring with the police on the other side of the door coming to tell me he’s dead. He’s that reckless and the past four years have been hell. Sadly nothing involving Al surprises me anymore. So every day that passes without a knock at my door I thank God for his mercy and I wait for his call…. It’s been a long and painful wait so far.

Thanks for listening,
Al's Mom

Monday, November 18, 2013

A Quote... So Sad And So True!

“When my child was born, it was impossible to imagine that he would suffer in the ways that Nic has suffered. Parents want only good things for their children. I was a typical parent who felt that this could not happen to us - not to my son. But though Nic is unique, he is every child. He could be yours.” -David Sheff

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Praying Helps My Soul

I finally got in touch with my family about doing a prayer group. I feel like this is the only way to help him. I'm lucky because I have family who love him and is willing to support us. I think in a way it helps us all emotionally to do something that feeds our soul. So praying is our weapon of choice. I'm praying to the blessed mother of  Jesus Christ to petition on our behalf our prays for Al's recovery from his addictions. I feel a connection with her because she's a mother like me. In my heart I believe she can relate to the sorrow I have for my son. And maybe she can also send me some courage to deal with this in a better way.

I lost my faith for a short time at one point. I had a nervous break down. I finally felt it in my heart that the influence I had or thought I had with my son was over and I hit an all time low. He has a girlfriend who shares his addiction and she will do anything for him even provide. I couldn't stop crying the day he was asked to leave our home. A week prior I found multiple 5x5 sheets of foil with odd swirly lines on it. I knew something was up because he would always have black soot on his face and fingers. He looked pail and thin but he would tell me nothing was wrong. One day my youngest son couldn't find his shorts and I thought maybe I mixed them with Al's  when I did laundry so I went in there room and opened his dresser drawer and there it was. Bunches of those burnt foils in two of his drawers. My body turned numb with fear. I got angry and I went though every nook and cranny of that room and found traces of his drug of choice everywhere. Cut up straws and cut up pens with burnt ends and tons of lighters. It's been a little over a month since I seen him or heard from him. And even with him gone the surprises keep coming. I found out though Facebook that my son purposed to her. What?? I know my son, he's feeling abandoned and alone and she's right there with him patting him on the back saying all the wrong things he wants to hear. His proposal is tainted and done out of pure loneliness. As I shook my head and shrug my shoulder all I could think of was two months ago his plans where to leave for Tucson at the end of this school year and they would go their separate ways because he had a dream to go to UofA and he wanted to do it alone. In one months time he has voided his family out of his life and threw away the goals and dreams he had planed for his future.

Thanks for listening,
Al's Mom

Monday, November 11, 2013

Quiet Moments

It's those quiet moments when I'm all alone in the house that get to me. That's when I can hear my thoughts about my son going around and around in my head. Those are the times when I lose my courage and my hope fades and I can feel my heart ache. I miss him, the real him that's deep within his soul, the boy I raised. I start to think about all the "I should of's" and I beat myself up for it. My son is a drug addict and our family is broken because of it. I was always ashamed to admit it... because our children are suppose to be a reflection of us, right? He wasn't raise this way... I was a stay at home mom! I took him to school and went on field trip with him when he was young! I took him to all his baseball and football practices? I went to all his games? I thought I showed him unconditional love? So how did this happen to my son? I wish I had an answer but I don't. He was my baby, my first born and in his DNA was a piece of me.

I'm not sure why I started a blog... I guess I hope that someone will read this and it helps them.

Thanks for listening,
Al's Mom