Monday, April 28, 2014

I Am The Mother of an Addict

I am the Mother of an Addict

This is not like being the mother of a child with cancer, diabetes, or aids
This is not like being the mother of a child who is serving with honor in a foreign land
This is not like being the mother of a child who lives no more and is mourned by all

I am the Mother of an Addict
There are no marathons or fund raisers for this disease, no sweet girls selling cookies
There are no flags flying, or bumper stickers to proudly acknowledge my child's deeds
There are only tears and silent screams, dread of what the next knock or phone call brings

I am the Mother of an Addict
I see my child and I am not glad, for though I ache to save my child, with relief I let them go
I see my child with fear and suspicion, as I hear all they say and I can but endlessly hope
I see my child and wonder will I ever know them again, hold them again, see them again

I am the Mother of an Addict
They say it is not my fault, that I did nothing wrong, there's little I can do
They say it is not my child's fault, just a disease of disgrace, with no pity, no cure
They say be strong, but my life stands still and my friends and relatives move on

I am the Mother of an Addict
I watch the rest of my family suffer with sorrow and pain through the addiction
I watch the evening news and cringe as another mothers addict child is arrested and called scum
I watch a young man beg for change, for food and know he could be my own

I am the Mother of an Addict
I remember the smiles and look at pictures of my sweet little child
I remember the hugs, and kisses, the scrapped knees, the soccer games
I remember their plans, their goals, their hopes and dreams

I am the Mother of an Addict
I look for my child to come home, to call, and so I do not sleep
I look for my child to find the strength to battle this terrible disease
I look for solace, for help, for a cure and I grasp at what straws of promise I can

I am the Mother of an Addict
And I hope, in endless hope for future free from drugs
And I hope in restless sleep of a way out of this nightmare
And I hope, and I pray, and I cry, and I plead, but always, I love my child"

Thursday, April 24, 2014

There's No Getting Around It

Sometimes I get panic attacks. Certain things trigger it. For instance Al had a court date Tuesday and he was supposed to stop by afterwards to talk to me about it and he never showed up. I texted and called and he didn't return my calls or messages for two days. My panic starts in immediately when he takes to long to call me back. I start to think of worst case scenario! I get anxious and overwhelmed.

Therapy helps... and i've come along way. I just wish he would get help. I can't help but worry day in and day out about him. I can't bear the thought of him engaging in his habits. When I finally get a grip the toll has already taken effect. I get fatigued to the point where I just need to stop whatever I'm doing and lay down for a while. I literally pass out into a deep sleep, it's as if my body just shuts down. I get a headache and my stomach is in knots, it takes me a day or two to feel somewhat normal again. Stress... it eats me alive.

However, I do manage to get back up. He ends up calling or coming by and life continues. There's no getting around it, this is just how is and this is how it has to be for now. Until he get's the help he needs I guess I just need to do what ever is necessary to get though it. Oh my love... my darling boy I'm trying to be strong.

Monday, April 21, 2014

The House Smelled Delicious

We had a great Easter Sunday! The weather was beautiful the sky was blue and bright. I had both my boys home for dinner my husband out side smoking a brisket and Al's girlfriend sitting in the kitchen with me having a great conversation as I was prepping the food for the table. I even ventured outside of my "norm" and baked something new, a blueberry crumb pie. The house smelled delicious from all the cooking and baking we where doing. We sat down for dinner, said our prayers, laughed and talked and ate dinner like we used to do. Can you see me smiling as I write this?? It was a GOOD DAY and for that moment I was truly happy and content!!... ... ...

I pause when I say "It was a good day" because part of me feels suspicious at the univers when things appear good or ok. It was almost too normal of a day and it makes me feel uneasy as if something bad is going to happen. I'm sure some of you can relate to that. It's sad to say but we don't get to many of those good days anymore. I don't know whether to laugh or cry? I think I'll laugh, nervously!! But I've learn to take any ounce of good when I can get it!

However it does makes me wonder will I ever feel that "normal" part of my life again? HUM?

Monday, April 14, 2014

She Inspires Me With Her Grace

Al's girlfriends grandmother and I have become friends. She is a light in this dark place we reside and she inspires me with her grace. She gave me this poem she found in a book she is currently reading. It's beautiful and I teared up when I sat down to read it this weekend. I would like to share it with all of you!

The Porch Light

"Mother, why is the pouch light on?" My son, it shines for you. Through the weary hours before the dawn, as I wait the long night through. My thoughts go back to the the bygone days, to my innocent little child; Dear God! How quickly his baby ways have been by the world defiled. 

"Mother, how long will the porch light burn?" Dear son, until you come home. For my aching heart will forever yearn, till you feet no longer roam. My fervent, pleading, unceasing prayer, is for God to protect my son. And I hear His answer, "My child, I care", as I murmur, "Thy will be done." 

Mother, is God's light burning still?" Oh son, He loves you yet! To draw you close is our Father's will, to rest without care or fret. And God in His mercy will set you free, to serve Him in peace and joy. To be the man that He made you to be, my son, my beloved boy. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

I Understand The Following

I has taken me a long time to understand the following...

1. This is a long LONG road... and a very lonely road very few can endure, very few will understand. Prepare yourself, it's gonna be hard!
2. You will lose friends and family along the way. But don't worry the people who truly love you and yours will rise to the surface. Let them help and comfort you.
3. Don't be ashamed!!
4. He might recover someday and he might not... but someday it will end good or bad. I have to accept that.
5.  Setting boundaries is KEY!
6. Take care of yourself because the stress will slowly chipping away at your health.
7. You're going to need this most of all... undying HOPE, a ton of STRENGTH, unconditional LOVE.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

A Support Group Helps

I follow a support  group on Facebook called "The Addict's Mom". Some of their stories inspire me.. Reading their stories good or bad helps me believe it or not. Check it out!

It is a disease that is ruled by the brain. Physically ruled. The drug has taken away their choice. They are left with one choice. Use the drug or die. That is what their brain tells them every waking second of their life. That is why there is so little success in getting the addict clean.

When I understood addiction for the disease that it was, I no longer felt angry at my son. He wasn't doing things to hurt us at all. He was sick, not bad. That doesn't mean that we let him get away with stuff, though. We don't give him money either. We just knew not to take any of it personally. Addiction - the most misunderstood disease on this planet - is hard to overcome. Some people die because they can't. Best of luck to you, this is not an easy road. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Moms, it is with a heavy and crushed heart I ask you to light a candle for Anonymous and her family in the loss of their son and a friend today. We've GOT to find the answers for our children!!!

Dropped my AD off at work at 6:00 am this morning and she for the first time in 2 years said "Bye Mom I love you"..shes hasn't used in almost 30 days..she says shes gonna try to beat it this time..After she closed the door I watched her walk into work and for the first time in 2 years I felt a calming peace..I felt true Bliss and hope..She wasnt falling all over the house..She wasnt eating at the table with food all over her face..or garbling her words..She was alert...walking proud and incredibly beautiful...I have hope again...I loved that beautiful was the most peaceful ride home I have ever had..I actually smiled:)...I Love her so much..and together were going to fight this addiction like Soldiers going to War...I wont give up hope..I want to feel this release every day for the rest of my life..Have a beautiful day Moms♡♥

Thursday, April 3, 2014

And So It Begins, The Jail Phases

As I lay here in bed I can feel my heart pounding. I'm stressed... broken, I'm feeling pretty low. I lost my job this week, my son is so so lost and my body hurts, everything hurts.

I got a call last night at 11:46pm. A recorded message played saying “This is a collect call from the Maricopa County Sherif’s Department, Madison street jail from “AL” do you accept? I was half asleep when I answered the phone. As I woke up and accepted the call I hear his voice… “Mom?” Al sounded a little stressed but composed and wanted me to bail him out of jail. $890.00. He said to me “as soon as I get out I’ll pay you back”. Deep breath Ana! They only gave me 60 seconds to talk to him before it hung up on me. He said he had a warrant issued for failure to appear, the phone hung up and I sat there staring at the phone in my hand… dazed, confused, shocked and disheartened I thought to myself “AND SO IT BEGINS, the jail phases”! He attempted to try and call me back 6 times but because my phone is a cell phone it wouldn't patch it though until I did this pre pay thing?? So every time he called it would keep hanging up on me. All I could do was bury my face in my pillow. PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS STOP!!

I got to work and pulled up the sheriff’s website and searched his name… there it was, his mug shot. I looked up his girlfriend’s name and there she was arrested too. My phone keeps ringing, it’s AL, I feel sick to my stomach, light headed the recorded message with AL saying his name was killing me! So I got the prepaid thing situated and I talked to him. I cried... I cried so hard I could barely speak as I told him NO... I will not get you out. Remember I LOVE YOU SON, I'm doing this because I love you so NO!

NO NO NO! My heart hurts so much today! God? Are you there? If so please help us!