Sometimes a memory comes back to me like a thief stealing my happiness for a short time. Sometimes those memories are triggered by a song, a smell, season. It can remind me of a particular moment in time... some are good and some are bad.
It's the start of Fall. Fall will forever remind me of Mariah. I first met Mariah in the Fall, she loved the Fall and Mariah killed her self in the fall. Bitter sweet!
Out here in the desert Fall doesn't just happen once the month changes to September or October it slowly creeps to a crawling cool temp during these months. It's that moment when you wake up one morning and you go outside around 5am to drink your cup of coffee, as soon as you open the door and feel that cool clean air hit your skin you know it's Fall. As soon as that cool air hits me I feel goose bumps on the small of my neck and all down my arms and then my legs. I close my eyes and smile take a deep breath and bask in the moment. I go to sit down in my favorite spot in a cozy chair full of pillows under my favorite tree (it's beautiful) next to our concrete grill. Under the tree is a water fountain with two little chubs on top, at the base of the fountain are pots of random plants. I love the feel of being in a garden. My back yard however is nice but nowhere near a lush full garden YET!! (giggle)
But that little spot under my favorite tree is my ZEN area. It's where I use to go to be by myself. I would sit there for hours thinking and crying for Allen and Mariah. Most of my memories where when they where heavily addicted to heroin. When I would go outside I would feel closer to God underneath my tree and I still do. I use to look up and stare at the leaves swaying in the breeze, as the sunlight would peeked through the leafs and the swaying branches I would often wonder if God was looking down at me and listening. I still do go outside almost every morning and drink my coffee except now I can hear the birds singing, kids at the bus stop talking and laughing and cars driving by. Because for all those years my son was addicted I could not hear a thing when I would sit outside, It was dead silent. Nothing; not the birds chirruping or the wind blowing my wind chimes or cars on the freeway down the street or the sound of the trains horn in the distance, not even the kids at the bus stop... I use to hear nothing and I would just sit there staring at nothing lost in all my thoughts that where swarming in my head. Nowadays, things are so different. I have my son back. He's a full member of society working at job he loves. My other son just moved out and is attending ASU and my husband and I are empty nesters.
MY CRAZY LIFE! But I'm still here... one day at a time.