Friday, September 25, 2015

It Got Me Thinking

I couldn’t sleep last night. It’s what my husband said to me right before he went to bed “Don’t you feel blessed right NOW? Things are so good, Praise God” It got me thinking! Laying there in my bed the house was so silent and all I could hear was the humming of the ceiling fan above me, it put me in a trans. Thoughts of different time periods in our life kept rolling through my mind like a movie real. All the worst moments and all the good moments, moments that scared us and changed us forever replayed in my head as I laid there trying to fall asleep. It made me feel just like what my husband said “BLESSED”. I instantly thought of Allen. I rolled over and looked at my phone laying on my night stand… picked it up and texted my son. The following text message followed.

I took a deep long breath, smiled and fought back my tears. I thought to myself... right now, in this very moment VICTORY is ours!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015


When I drive to and from work the radio is off and all I do is talk to God. I’ve been doing this for two years now. The people driving next to me probably think I’m crazy or a little lonely because there I am all alone in my car talking to myself. (giggle) It’s amazing on how much that helps me, I find my peace in those moments. When Allen was deep into his addiction my talks with God during those drives on the road consist of sadness, fear, anger and remorse. I planned Allen’s funeral and I had to talk to God about it on a daily basis to try and mentally prepare myself. He wasn’t listening or talking to any of us, Allen at that point and time showed no signs of change and I had lost hope. I HAD to come to terms with it in my mind in order to prepare my heart. He was maybe between 115-119 pounds, just withering away. It’s hard to believe that conversation with God was only three months ago. Now my conversations are full of laughter, happiness and humility and hope.

He got his 60 day chip and now he’s working on his 90 day. He moved out of the Pima House (sober living) and moved into an different house in central Phoenix called Casa Milagra another sober living home. I like his new home and I see him growing there! Allen and I are going out to dinner tonight. I LOVE OUR DINNER dates. We explore and pick new places to eat and we have meaningful conversations. We have a lot of catching up to do and getting to know him all over again warms my heart. I’m finding he didn’t lose too much of himself, that beautiful heart and personality are still same… full of love and life.

His 22nd birthday just past. It was a beautiful sunny day. The air was warm and soothing outside. He looks so different now compared to a year ago. I’m in love with our life these days, I’m enjoying one moment at a time. Taking my little victories as they come. So as for today, as for right now I’m celebrating!! Thank you God!

Things are so much more different now. So many things have changed. Allen’s determination is evident. His addiction is teaching us to be companionate, understanding, forgiving and patient.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Our Conversation

Allen has been going to his outpatient therapy Monday – Thursday for 3 hours a day religiously. He also has been going to AA, HA, NA meetings on a regular basis on top of his outpatient requirements. And now… he has a job, a pretty decent job! Hip hip hooray!

Tuesday night I told Allen I would pick him after IOP and we would go to dinner and catch up. He went to this recovering addicts retreat this past weekend with some of his IOP and sober living buddies. He was so excited to tell me all about it. When Allen and I go out to eat we love to try new places. It’s always been our thing. So we pull into a restaurant called “The Habit” ironic… right? Ha-ha! It’s this trendy hamburger joint off 7th Street and Glendale Ave. The smell of the smoke coming off the grill is what draws you in… it was a good choice, delicious!

As we sat down to eat he started telling me about everything he’s been experiencing from the retreat in Flagstaff, AZ to his daily meetings. His enthusiasm is such a delight to see. That HOPE is still in there floating around inside him, I can see it in his eyes. Our conversation was full of different emotions. It went from light to heavy, all the while he was calm, respective and fully engaged in the conversation with me. At the end of our dinner and our interesting conversation he was in good spirits. I was going to drop him off at a meeting close the area, the location was called the “Solutions” and for some reason this place rang a bell but I could remember why. Then Allen reminded me why, he said “Mom don’t you remember this place? This is where I went to my very first meeting 7 years ago, it’s where I first learned about AA meetings. This is THE place were I first learned about recovery.” Then it hit me, the memories started rolling in. He was still in high school when I made him go to this Narcotic Anonymous meeting here at the Solutions. It was his first and last meeting he attended for the longest time. It’s when I found out he was doing cocaine and ecstasy. He said to me “it’s kind of weird, it feels like I have come full circle.” Right at this moment it started raining… lighting flashing like a strobe light. The streets started flooding and we got a little lost. Finally we found it, I parked on the street and said to him you better run honey it’s bad out there. I sat in my car until I saw him run in the doors. I thanked GOD at that very moment! Took a deep breath and put my car in drive.

As I was driving home, the rain and the wind were relentless, the thunder was flashing everywhere and the streets where flooded and filled with debris. It was a slow, scary drive to the freeway, I felt like I was never going to get through it. It was like a scene out of a movie… it was unreal.

As I got on the I10 freeway the storm started lifting and as I drove past 59th Ave the clouds parted the rain and wind stopped and the sky was clean an clear. As I was driving out of the storm I realized my hands were going numb from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. As I loosened my grip and relaxed my arms and shoulder a sense of relief came over me. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the storm was now behind me. I could see the rain the lighting and the clouds looming over the city in my rear view mirror as I look in front of me I seen nothing but clear skies. Then it hit me… I have come to a full circle also! For today, for right now… I thank God the storm is behind me.