Monday, August 18, 2014

Heroin Holds Him Hostage

I'm in a really dark place right now. I feel anxious all the time. I'm trying to gather myself so I can go back to THIS battle again but I'm finding it harder and harder to pick myself up after each fall with Al. He just doesn't understand... there's no real happiness for me until he get's well.

I bumped up my therapy sessions and started going to a new church for a change... taking a cores called "Healing From The Inside Out", hopefully it helps. I might even go to some Al-Anon meetings if I can fit them in my day. I'm on anti-depressants, taking sleeping pills again because I can't sleep. I get by with my day to day routines, but my heart is broken and it hurts all the time. So there you have it... A day in the life of an addict's Mom. 

I love my son so much. I love him with all my heart and soul. I long for the day he get's help and recovers from his addiction. (Tears) Until then, everyday is hell. Because everyday he's using there's a chance he will die and that's the truth of it. Heroin holds him hostage!

I'm just so tiered anymore!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I Really Hate Life

I'm struggling.... I really hate life. Everyday I have to fight myself to get out of bed. I'm training myself to be numb, to not care. That's the only way I'm going to get though this. That sound coming out of your mouth are just words, they don't mean anything, they are JUST words! If I can master that then I think I can manage this crappy fucked up life and get by.  When I laugh and smile, it's not real, it's just a mask I put on for everyone so they feel better. I'm so damn angry!! I have family telling me I have to move on let him go and just wait until he's ready. Blah blah blah. That's easier said than done. He's my son... my beautiful boy, how can I move on knowing he's slowly killing himself with every inhale of heroin he smokes. He could be shooting up now... it's possible, I don't know for sure? Al and Mia are back to ignoring our phone calls and text messages. DEEP BREATH! This will kill my son this will be the death of him.

You have NO IDEA how painful this is


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

An The Ball Drops...

Relapse is part of recovery... so they say! WHY WHY WHY!!! I had my son within my grasp but he slipped away. It was the closest I've been to "AL" my son, the real AL in five years. I was on cloud nine for those couple of weeks he was clean. I missed him so much, I got my hopes up... (I CAN'T BREATH!) I saw him Sunday and he had that damn soot on his hands again AND no care in the world even though he doesn't have a job yet, no prospects for one he's OK, he's still taken care of. Her money came in... and now I'm back to square one. GOSH DAMN IT! My heart hurts!!! I think I'm getting an ulcer? I feel sick to my stomach today.

Monday they had their second recovery class to attend. GUESS WHAT? They blew if off to go paint balling with her brother. They thought it would be therapeutic! WTF!!! HAHAHA really? (shaking my head) Obviously I was annoyed with them. When I confronted him about the soot I saw ON him this past Sunday the little 'MONSTER" once again appeared. He started screaming and yelling and once again I couldn't get a word in. Mia in the background patting him on the back "It's OK baby it's OK". I'm wrong apparently and that black soot could be from anything and could of come from anywhere don't you know! Of course... how could I be so stupid. (I CAN'T BREATH!!) I was fighting back my tears as I said if you're not going to listen to me or let me talk then I got to go, he said "THEN GO" and hung up on me.

Silence filled the room, I couldn't even move I just sat there staring at the phone. I felt numb, then I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. My husband just held me saying "don't stop praying". I buried my face into his chest and said... "BUT I had him babe, he was right there within my reach, he was right there."

I have to remind myself to breath.... deep long breaths! I wish I could just fly way far far away!