Thursday, August 20, 2015

Déjà vu

I’ve been enjoying the peace in my heart these days. Al on the mend again gives us much needed peace of mind. He looks so healthy again, and he is so full of life right now that it exudes from his person. He has HOPE once again. I give all glory to you GOD. Seeing him smile, laugh and embrace life fills my cup. His laugh…. Oh his laugh, let me tell you it makes you smile and laugh right along with him. I can tell Junior feels more at ease around Al. It seems like he’s letting his guard down and engages in conversations with Al these days. Slowly I can see that wall coming down piece by piece. Junior would always avoid him, he was afraid to let him in. I understand why he felt that way it was scary to open your heart up to Al at one point because Al was so entrenched by his addiction and nothing really matter to him but heroin. But as of right now in this very moment hearts are healing once again. Thank You GOD!

Tuesday I went to a family therapy session with Allen at Calvary. We had to fill out this packet that we had to read to Allen. I procrastinated all week… the thought of telling Allen my sorrows from my tattered memories weighed heavy on my heart. I woke up with migraines for three days a stiff neck and a stiff back from the tension. I seriously lost my ability to handle stress. I really can’t handle it well anymore, it’s strange. However the stress it caused me last week was all for nothing because Allen took it so well, handled it like a man and was remorseful about the pain he caused us. I see him growing into a whole new person these days. The Allen 40 days ago would have been angry and bitter and defensive and would have avoided taking any responsibility but my son has emerged. On the drive home Allen and I were talking about the meeting and how this month’s past events all fell into place. He said to me as if he had an epiphany “IT WAS GOD mom, it was God. He’s been helping me all this time.” As he was talking I had a déjà vu… an out of body experience. I was looking IN on our conversation threw the front windshield of my car. Maybe it was from all the emotions floating in the air?

Allen has pulled himself back into the present and my heart is healing.

Friday, August 7, 2015

This Young Man

It’s quiet in the office right now my boss left early today and I’m here all alone sitting with my untamed thoughts. It’s currently 4:02pm almost time to leave. As I sit here waiting for the clock to hit 4:30 I can hear the wind blowing the trees outside our window, it’s making this soft taping noise as the branches sway back and forth and it’s almost relaxing. As I sit here trying to quite my fears so I can be happy in this current moment I wrestle with the reality of Al’s disease. Someone in Al’s sober living house died two days before he arrived there. This young man relapsed and overdosed and died in his bed. After my son called to tell me this heartbreaking news I hung up the phone struck with sadness for this young man I didn’t even know. That hit to close to home for me… to to close to home.

His battle for a normal sober life has just begun. He’s now nesting in a sober living home having to be responsible for his own sobriety. The real test begins, staying focused on himself will hard. I just pray he can break free from the things that bind him.

Taking it slow and easy YUP that’s what I’m doing. Taking the little victories as they come and as for to today… he’s where he needs to be! Thank you God!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Claim Number

Here’s my rant for the day… Feeling disgusted, angry, overwhelmed with our system.

Got my son in a 30 day treatment facility. Three weeks into it our insurance company informs us that their doctor (who’s on their payroll) has advised them that my son doesn’t need to be in there anymore. He’s better now! They will be discharging him today. If he is to stay and complete the treatment we would have to pay an additional $6,000 on top of the $4,500 we already paid. We do NOT have the money.

I don’t know how to feel about it when it comes to my son’s recovery going forward. Was it enough? Not enough? I’m so frustrated at the system. Our addicts cannot overcome their addictions without treatment, without help. The help available is limited for your everyday average working class Americans like us. He will be going to his AA meetings and his HA meeting and will finish up IOP at Calvary. Thankfully there are non-profit things like AA, which is amazing in giving peer support. It just make me so sad that so many people want help but can’t get the proper treatment they deserve simply because they can't afford it. Addiction in the United States is out of control but our government does not care, no one cares. 

To the insurance company we are nothing but a claim number!