Thursday, June 26, 2014

Our Conversation... This Is A Good One!

Today is going to be a good day!!! Do you wanna know why? I'll tell ya.... I'm so happy right now! AL called me last night just to talk. He said he just wanted to hear my voice. We talked for 55 minutes!! Our conversation was filled with many different topics. We talked about his addiction, about addiction in general and the effects of opiants/heroin and other drugs. For the first time EVER we had a conversation about "IT" without getting emotional or angry. Then our conversation turned into how people lack understanding and compassion for addicts and homeless people. He said to me "Mom having been on the other side and STILL struggling though it; I get it! I completely get it" and then he said to me "It makes me want to help those people." (I have to remind myself to breath)

Now as you can imagine my heart was filling up with nothing but complete joy and pride. This was my son talking to me, not the addict. MY SON! (Taking beep breaths right now, whew.) By the end of our conversation we had decided to do something positive about this revaluation we had. So on August 1st we are going to make a bunch of blessing bags filled with snacks and condiments and other items including prayer cards and a personal note of encouragement and distribute them to homeless people in downtown Phoenix. He said, "let's start a movement mom, maybe our random act of giving will inspire others to do the same?" WHOA, I'm beside myself today. Last night was huge, a breakthrough in my opinion. I finally got to talk to my son, Oooooh how I missed him so much! I cried happy tears for once. (My heart is pounding right now) He said "Let's make this a long term goal to start a non-profit to give to these people a little bit of kindness in a bag and maybe JUST MAYBE a little hope.

The best part of it all was my youngest son JR was sitting right there next to me listening to it all. He sat there with a smile on his face (You know the kind of smile that lights up a room, yea that's the one!) and I knew his heart was filling up with joy and pride at that very moment too.

Thank you God for giving us this one moment of happiness and hope. We so desperately needed it.

Monday, June 23, 2014

What happened to my friend

I lived in San Francisco for short period in 1991. I was about 20 years old at the time. I was so young and naive and in a bad relationship. Needing to break away from this toxic relationship I got a job on base when I met a new friend named Maryann. She was this beautiful half Japanese half caucasian girl I met while working for the commissary at  Moffett Field Naval base in California. Her dad was a Navel Officer and they just got stationed there. We became instant friends and where inseparable. We where like peas in a pod. She was dear to my heart. When I left California I can remember thinking how much I loved her and how I was going to miss her so much.

We lost touch as the years rolled by. But then recently I googled her name and a phone number popped up. And just like that I found her. I called her and we chatted for a few minutes on the phone. She was very vague and unengaged it seemed, she didn't ask much about my life or how I've been all these years which I found strange. She seemed more focused on where I lived and on starting up some internet sweepstakes thing here in Arizona??? I was baffled. apparently she was doing this "internet sweepstake" thing  in Bakersfield where she's currently living. And according to her the police shut it down? That should have been my first clue, right?! I blew it off and decided maybe we just have grown into different people and I decided to walk away from it and let it go. She never text back after that day, and just like that she was gone again. Two weeks later out of nowhere I get a random text message from her saying she was sorry for not texting but she's coming into town in a couple of days and she was hoping I could make time to see her. It was kind of strange and unexpected but I said OK and was excited to see her again. Well I saw her this past Saturday and as she pulled up I walked out side to greet her. She looked at me and I put my hands over my mouth and teared up. My Maryann, I waited 20 years to see her. She teared up too and we hugged. I noticed right away that she didn't look right. Something seemed off?? When she talked I noticed she had missing rotted teeth, her hair was kind of greasy like she hadn't taken a bath and she was with some shady looking people. I instantly got a bad vibe. And to be honest it scared me. She came inside to chat and all she wanted to talk about was her internet "business" oh and her crazy mom. Once again she didn't ask me one question about my life or about my family. NOTHING!  She was talking a mile a minute and at that point I just wanted her to leave. It was depressing and it was obvious she was on something. Her friends too... the guy she was with kept falling asleep on my living room chair. This guy had never met me before and my husband was in the garage and he kept nodding off?? I'm in shock and and utterly disappointed. I can't believe it... what happened to my friend? Dear God what happened to her?
Dear People of the world... drugs don't care about what color you are or how old are, whether your rich or poor. It will destroy your life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

What Good Will It Do

I sit conflicted… unsure of what to do. No matter which way I turn it's going to hurt. There's good and bad! The good is we have been seeing our son a little more often these days. Being able to see him kind of puts our mind at ease knowing he’s visibly ok and alive. Our relationship seems to be mending a little bit too… I think? There’s always that fear of saying the wrong thing, afraid he’ll get upset and run away from me again and I’m back to square one because at least for now he’s talking to me and listening a little. In one of our conversations he did agree to see a Physiatrist on 7/10. He admitted to me he feels depressed all the time. He said he thinks he’s felt this way for a long time, since high school. It makes sense to me, that explains the self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. The appointment was made and he said he was going…. So I wait and do my best to not rock the boat and say something wrong, which brings me to the bad part. The bad part is seeing him like this kind of kills us inside too. He still looks disheveled, doesn’t brush his hair or his teeth it’s like he’s just existing like he's given up and it HURTS my heart to see him this way. I just want to shake him and say wake up!! Stop this, it's time to make a change. But I don't.... I can't, not right now. It makes me sad and it makes my husband mad and frustrated. I try NOT to talk about it because I can’t and my husband has to talk about it because he needs to. We try so hard to be there for each other.

So here I am… sitting on my feelings once again. What good will it do if I say something to Al? Should I wait until after his appointment? Here comes my anxiety again.

Please GOD help him find his way though this.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Smile Though Your Heart Is Aching... :/

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your PAIN and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile