Friday, January 24, 2014

Another Argument With Al

As I lay in bed the whispering sounds of the ceiling fan seems loud tonight. I can't sleep again! It's 11:45pm and as my husband lays there sound asleep I am awake, my mind racing as I try to focus on "nothing" but the wheels keep turning. SHIT!!! My head swims with the argument me and my son had on Wednesday. He wanted me to get him a gas card and I said no. That was enough to anger him. He yelled at me taking this opportunity to voice his grievances with me. By the way it's all my fault things are so messed up between us and the family. If only I had kept his drug use under wraps the family wouldn't be in disarray. It was only for "recreational" use after all and I "over reacted" apparently. He said he has it under control and according to him he's not doing it anymore. Even though when we saw him this past Sunday he had black soot on his hands and fingers. (A signs of smoking heroin) I cried all night, once again we are not talking and once again he is in denial. He sent me a text last night trying to convince me I got this wrong. This is what I said to him......

I hear you and understand you so try to do the same for me. You need to remember we are a family, one unit. That's me, dad, junior... Uncle, Nina, Shell, Pooh and Yaya. We are your core. They have been with me since I was eight faithfully and with you since you were born faithfully. They have been there every step of the way. They love you more than words will ever explain... you know this you just forgot. I know who you are too... I see you! I know the hardship you struggle with because I can feel it in my soul. I also know you want a better life. I know you want to be respected, you want to be trusted. Above all you want to be free from this dark cloud that lingers over you. But you'll never be free son until you accept you have a serious problem. IT'S OK!! We don't look at you as a selfish weak person for having done drugs we look at you for who you are and at your addiction for what it is... an illness.There's no shame is saying that. Drug addiction is an illness and the drugs are just a symptom. Until you treat this illness for what it is it will continue to linger in your life and it will continue to infect your relationships with people who truly love you and want to help you. I'm proud of you for finally saying out loud what drugs you've done. But It's pointless to lie anymore about what you're doing now because everyone can see it. You don't look healthy and that's the truth. Your depressed, and your very verbally ruthless. It's impossible to try and talk to you because you get so mad and screaming so intensely and you talk over me to the point I can't get a word in. If you want to prove everyone wrong then let me or dad take you to get assets by a professional in drug addiction. What's the harm in that if you're ok if your clean? If you're really clean won't it feel good to show everyone that they are wrong and they can relax. But I know you won't and I know you'll be mad at me for saying all this. I love you so much... we all do! And none of us are willing to leave you behind. None of us are happy things are a mess but we love you and want you well. Until we know this for certain it will always be a question that will haunt us until our dying day. Because living without you is hell... miserable. We miss you! So why don't you do us a favor and just let us get you help or at least have you assets. I'll never be able to live without you. It kills me... my heart aches and longs to have you back where you belong... with us your family, your core.

DEEP LONG BREATHS.... I don't know what to do anymore. 

Sunday, January 19, 2014

It Hits Home

A good friend of mine has a friend who lost her son to heroin this past week. He past away on January 13th and it breaks my heart. It hits home... too close to home and I don't like feeling this way. My mind runs away with so many thoughts of my son when I hear things like this, what if this happens to him? It's a possibility, I don't know if he's really clean or not. If he's still doing heroin how bad is it now? How can I get him to see what this is doing to himself and that this could kill him too. I know all I can do is talk to him and educate him with the information I find. Pray pray and pray some more for a happy ending to nightmare.

I'm putting my belief and my hopes out there into the universe right now. So here it goes... you ready?

I believe in GOD. I believe GOD has a plan for Al's life. I hope GOD's plan allows me to keep my son here with me healthy and well until my dying day. I hope my son is able to help others and save lives with his story someday. I hope GOD gives me the strength to endure whatever it is he has planned for Al's life.

I trust in GOD's plan come what may!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

One Way Or Another

I saw his girlfriend the other day. She stopped by to pick up something for Al. She looked beautiful... her eyes were bright and full of life, full of happiness, nothing like before. She said they were clean now and she feels good about it, hopeful. I wish I could believe them when they say they are clean. I WISH I COULD BELIEVE THEM. Everything I've read tells me it’s incredibly hard to get off heroin on your own. Although it is possible to do it on your own its unlikely but possible. MAYBE just maybe?! NO NO I choose to stay in faith!! God will turn this test into our testimony. One way or another these trials will lead them to a clean and sober life. IT WILL!! God said if I give it up to him and put my faith in him he will not forsake me.

I pray to you GOD please, please give them the strength and the insight they need to beat this. Please GOD I need him… I need them to be ok in this screwed up crazy world. GOD I choose to believe that this will be Al’s year to overcome his troubles. I declare it over my son, I DECLARE IT!!  I declare vindication, peace, LOVE and faith over my family I declare this will be our breakout year!!

Al told me he listens to a Christian channel on the radio. He said it relaxes him and he likes hearing about the bible. AMEN… I give praise to you GOD I give all my praise to you. May you continue to be a strong presence in his life.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Juniors Birthday

Today is my youngest son's birthday. Junior is 16 years old today!! I can't help but think how time goes by so quickly. I love you Jr so much... thank you for being you and all your wonderful ways. For having a big enough heart to forgive and to forget. You inspire me!!


Friday, January 10, 2014

Today Was Ok

I hear the clanking of the keys typing, the printer making copies, people talking in the background about everything under the sun and I hear a few people laughing and it makes me smile…  here I am thinking today is an ok day. I take peace in the normal. Heck I live for the normal these days. Even though I’m sitting here not feeling good due to a sore throat… I AM OK TODAY! I am ok with not hearing from Al this week. I know he’s trying and busy hopefully and learning how to survive on his own. I know GOD is working here, on me and him. Ah no pain in my heart right now and no worries popping up in my head. Is this what it feels like to be content? I forgot what this felt like. Yup today is OK.

Monday, January 6, 2014

I Don't Agree

I have to get something off my chest. My best friend and I were talking the other day about drug addiction. I said to her "No one wants to be a drug addict, no one wants that kind of life" Her response kind of shocked me, she said " I don't agree, I think some people like living that way". She is a very insight person and she always challenges me on my views which is good. But on this view I strongly disagree with her and to avoid what I believe is too touchy of a subject at least for me right now I just changed the subject. However later... down the road I plan to be very vocal about it. Someone has too, someone needs to say it out loud that this is a problem and it can steal your kid too. The facts are it is a choice to "TRY" drugs or alcohol. But for some because of the way their brain is wired when they do try a drug or alcohol it takes them hostage. And no one wants to be held hostage. Have you ever notice how some people can have a drink or two and know when to stop but some people keep slamming down the drinks not knowing their limits? It's how they are wired. You need to go to this website The National Institute Of  Drug Abuse. They base their research off intense studies done at the nation's top Universities.Below is an insert from one of their studies.
What Happens to Your Brain When You Take Drugs?
Drugs contain chemicals that tap into the brain’s communication system and disrupt the way nerve cells normally send, receive, and process information. There are at least two ways that drugs cause this disruption: (1) by imitating the brain’s natural chemical messengers and (2) by overstimulating the “reward circuit” of the brain.
Some drugs (e.g., marijuana and heroin) have a similar structure to chemical messengers called neurotransmitters, which are naturally produced by the brain. This similarity allows the drugs to “fool” the brain’s receptors and activate nerve cells to send abnormal messages..
Long-term abuse causes changes in other brain chemical systems and circuits as well. Glutamate is a neurotransmitter that influences the reward circuit and the ability to learn. When the optimal concentration of glutamate is altered by drug abuse, the brain attempts to compensate, which can impair cognitive function. Brain imaging studies of drug-addicted individuals show changes in areas of the brain that are critical to judgment, decision making, learning and memory, and behavior control. Together, these changes can drive an abuser to seek out and take drugs compulsively despite adverse, even devastating consequences—that is the nature of addiction

Sunday, January 5, 2014

My Core!

I was laying here on the couch try to sleep, I'm sick and I don't want to wake my husband up with all my coughing . As I lay here I'm facing my family picture wall, as I like to call it "The wall of fame". I have about three dozen pictures in different frames, sizes and different moments. In the center I have a sign that simply says FAMILY. We are a close group of people that share compassion, strength, and unconditional LOVE for each other. Its funny how in trying times the truth about your people rise to the surface good or bad. Its in those moments when you face the reality of who you are and who your family is and what we all stand for. As disappointed as I am in certainpeople I'm also relieved to know that all the right people I have entrusted my heart with all these years rose the the occasion. Thank you God for my amazing core group of people.

No word from my monkey this weekend. I'm sure he's OK!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Bye Bye 2013, New Year new PLAN!

I'm obsessed with this author who wrote two books about drug addiction. I highly recommend it. His name is David Sheff  he wrote Beautiful Boy & CLEAN. Start with beautiful boy... it's from a parents perspective. I swear he was writing my story! His latest book Clean is about the facts, lies and perception of drug addiction. I'm almost done reading it, it has me captivated. It truly has opened my eyes. The more I educate myself about drug addiction the better I feel because I'm starting to understand it now. I had no idea before, I was misinformed  about it all and everything I thought I knew about drugs and addiction was wrong. I was so off base!!

The good news is I'm one of those people who learns from experiences. So in light of the new year here is my New Year resolution! I'm going to give it my all so wish me luck.

1.  Get AL proper help: (My goal is to get him to understand he is an ill person NOT a bad person. Bottom line by year end my goal is to have him in rehabilitation some way some how so help me GOD)
2.  Educate my family & friends on my findings: (In order for them to be able to support us and most importantly to help and support AL they need to know the facts from a professional in addiction)
3.  Establish boundaries with family &  friends: (If they are not part of the solution then they are part of the problem. We need support and understanding not judgments or criticism. If they are not on board then they need to get off and step aside. We don't need any more distractions)
4.  Focus more on my youngest son: (He needs his mother and father to be fully engaged in his life. I'm so sorry son mom loves you so much and I'm done with laying on the couch)

May GOD bless us all this year!!
AL's Mom