Sunday, February 15, 2015

Yes ma'am!

There's no progress on my issues with Mia. She's still very negative, argumentative and I've reached my limit. Her dog has been sick with a abscess on his neck that has been bleeding and oozing for weeks now. For weeks I've been nursing his wounds and giving him meds and stressing myself out over it. She is clueless to his condition and could care less about this animal. Why??? Not once has she called or offer help or to check in on him. I called her tonight to tell her he needs to see a vet again because he's not getting better. She had nothing but attitude and acted like she was to busy to deal with him. When I insist on him seeing a vet tomorrow she said with attitude "I'll call the vet but I can't take him I have to work". When I told her not burden Al because I was about to tell her "I'm off work tomorrow and I'll take him." she cut me off and began to yelled at me saying "I'm going to tell him ANA that's his dog... Blah blah blah (No its not, its her dog she bought him) " I said to her, "OK Tok is HIS dog now?" She said "welllllll he's both our dog, we are engaged still and he's needs to know, and I'm going to tell him!" ..... Ah I see!!! My hands start to shake and I just wanted to cry and scream but I calmly say "well then tomorrow I want you to come get your dog and find him a home and take care of him. You both need to figure it out." Her only response was "he'll be put in a kennel then" I said "so be it, he's your guy's dog do what you gotta do" she said "YES MA'AM" and hung up.

What am I suppose to do about her? I mean, she practically told me to piss off.

I'm scared because Al is at critical phase right now. He's past the one day at a time thing and is now buried deep in the realities of his unfinished business. Now that my son is clean he can see and feels the sense of urgency with his growing list of "todo's" and the "to deal" with things. I can see it in his eyes he's overwhelmed and unsure. Now for us non addicts life's bullshit is hard enough to deal with but for someone like Al its overwhelming and his first instinct it's numb the pain and the madness.

I have to let her go. It's hurting my heart and I can no longer fake my tolerance. Its just not a healthy situation anymore. And now you can bet my relationship with my son will back in limbo because of it!

God please, I'm really trying! But I just can't deal with two addicts anymore!! I give her to you.


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Life and

I don't know why I feel this way but I do! Please forgive me GOD.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015


Al came over today and went to Mia's house for a while. He came home and had dinner with me and his father... he's in the kitchen right now helping me with cleaning up the dishes. He told me on the way home he wants to try it again with Mia. He said getting to know each other sober is different and they want to give it one last try. He needs to TRY this for some reason. BUT....

I tried to tell him... two addicts never end up good. I said "you two are so different and at different levels of recovery. The thing is I don't believe she's fully recovered because she still thinks Marijuana is OK". Her dad did it with her when she was thirteen so I guess that makes OK even tho she's a heroin addict. My son on the defense says... "it's most likely gonna be legal in this state anyways, it's like alcohol and I know I can drink and be OK". >>>>>>>>> (I was screaming inside) I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT! And here sits my son saying this as he sits in a recovery home with drug addicts and alcoholics fighting for their life. I said calmly "yeah but just because it's legal does not mean you should or can do it. You're an addict son you can't do those kinds of things". He know this!!!

Every time he gets around Mia he looses sight of his personal goals and his views change and he starts talking about his future differently. It's like he forgets who he is or maybe he's just fooling us... maybe he's just fooling himself? I don't know?

WHY CAN'T HE SEE! Not to long ago I remember him saying to me... "I can't be around anyone who does any type of drugs, or drink... I know that now, I'm an addict".

I know I have to walk away from this... And I am! It's just so frustrating to watch him continue to computerize his sobriety. Is this part of the relapse thing! FUCK YOU DRUGS FUCK YOU RELAPSE!

A lesson we all have to learn the hard way I guess!

Dear GOD, If I lose my hope today please remind 
me that your plans are ALWAYS better than my dreams!