Monday, September 24, 2018

I Love Mornings


I love the mornings, today as I lay on my couch lounge chair seated by a window it’s 5:13 am I listen to the cars on the freeway down the road driving, it’s a soft roar but it's soothing. My house is quiet, and the smell coffee lingers in the air. I stretch my legs out and it feels good I have my fur blanket snuggled around me and my little dog at my feet. I feel at peace because not only is my house quiet my world is quiet and at peace. I reveal in the quiet. I close my eyes and I day dream about the future of my family. I can do that now!! It’s been three years since my son touched heroin. And every day he remains sober from heroin my soul heals. His life is still full of ups and downs because of his past but he is handling it and it makes me proud. Sometimes I worry about him relapsing but if you’re a mother of an addict you understand that that fear is always going to be there. The reality of relapse is always around the corner for any addict. So, we live day by day week by week and we take each victory when we get them.

Most mornings as the sun begins to rise I go outside, and I sit in my backyard on my lawn chair underneath the patio and smoke a cigarette and enjoy the beautiful mornings listening to the birds watching hummingbirds fly in and out of my tree thinking of Mariha. I feel her spirt in those hummingbirds! I know she’s at peace, I still miss her so much but I’m able to carry her in my heart without it weighting me down. I’ve done a lot of healing since I’ve been gone. A lot of self-reflection. Although reminiscences of my depression still lingers deep inside me for the most part it’s very small and mellow. I’ve accepted it and have learned to live with it, control it and put it away. I’m ok, truly I’m OK in fact I’m GOOD!!

I love the mornings it’s my favorite part of the day.


Thursday, May 10, 2018

I Look Forward To Tomorrow

 Trying to heal from all the wounds of the past was really hard for me, I was finding it a bit of a struggle. But I can say now is that things are getting better for me and more clear with continuing therapy and the support of my family and friend. What I’ve learned is that I suffer from mental illness and I’m not ashamed of it anymore. I have Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. My sons addiction trigger me in such a way that I really did not understand or recognize what I was going through until I had a breakdown. The truth is I already suffered from depression. Having gone through my sons addiction sent me in a deep depression that I had no clue how to get out of.  When  Mariah  died it was as if someone stole every ounce of happiness from me, I felt like I lost... I lost the battle I was fighting to get both of them well. It felt like I had no control over my depression any longer. I began to have panic attacks, severe fatigue, crying spells, manic moods and was sleep deprived. I was maybe sleeping 2-3 hours a night working full time and trying to hold this "I'm OK" mask up for everyone. I just thought that one day it would just get better.  Even though time pasted and my son  began  to healed and got better and recovered I still could not get out of this dark place.  I felt so broken I felt so alone and I just thought no one would understand and I honestly thought I was going crazy. Come to find out that I was not alone that there a lot of people that feel or have felt the way I did. And there are places were you can go and get the help you need like I did. 
 It’s a very humbling thing to do, get help. You have to throw away all the ideas you had in your head about mental illness and you have to surrender to the process.  Now that the fog has cleared and I can see more clearly I am able to control my thoughts and depression much better now. I still have good and bad days just like anyone except my bad days are a little bit harder to overcome. But thanks to an amazing therapist and   the worlds most understanding husband I am able to get through those bad days. I live a very happy functional life now. My son is on the road to recovery and this coming July will be three years clean and sober from heroin. My youngest son is a junior in college now and my marriage is stronger than ever! If I wrote a book on all the struggles and pain and heartache of my life you would think that what we all went through would be impossible to overcome but for some reason it made us stronger it made us better people and made us more compassionate more loving. I’m grateful for today and for the first time in a long time I look forward to tomorrow.

 To all you parents out there who have children in active addiction or had children in addiction and are suffering from depression please know you are not alone. Please get help talk to somebody get a therapist. Trust me when I say it will help your mind and heal your heart and it will do you good to get the help you need and you will be a much more at peace person. 

Ana 


Tuesday, January 30, 2018

It's Been 10 Weeks

I have been retreating for a while now and taking time to heal. Yes my heart has been broken for some time now, I just didn't know what to do about it. It's been sitting there in my chest just leaking sorrow until one day out of know where it just hemorrhaged... That was unexpected. I guess I just tucked away all that deep seeded sadness and anger, hurt and fear from all those years my son was an addict, from fighting with my husband about nothing and fighting with my depression. Now that I think about it I never really dealt with any of it I just adapted to every situation and moved on. Having that kind of devastation, heart ache, soul crushing, pure raw sluggish dripping yucky sadness slowly seeping through my body like lava type of emotions was... has been damaging over the years. I never looked at it! I just wanted to keep moving forward but my that's not how my body works. I had a nervous breakdown!

It's been 10 weeks of intense therapy and a lot of self care to get me to a good place. I'm not so angry anymore and I don't fall apart like I use to, and I can finally sleep normal. I'm much happier and stronger today! I recommend self care to everyone! Please don't be afraid to step up and say I need help with my mental health. There's nothing wrong with that. When you've gone through hell and back you tend to came back with scares. Take care of your metal health! You are going to get people who think your either faking it or seeking attention. The Doctors, therapist and psychiatrist  are ALOT smarter than they are I promise. Some friends or family might even say you are crazy, but you know your not. You have to stop caring about what everyone thinks! Just care about you and your inner circle.







Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Wings Of Hope

Hi Everyone!! I found new direction to Wings Of Hope! Back to the mission! I'm not giving up!! Stay turned! Check it out... www.wingsofhope.info

I wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! May God bless you in 2018!

Ana