Friday, January 30, 2015

Mom I Have To Tell You Something

I need to get you up all up to speed... have a seat this will take a few minutes.

1/22/14 The day I posted about his 60 days of sobriety... my Al relapsed! That very night after he got off work HEROIN showed up. Two days after he made it two months! (DEEP long breaths Ana) Do you want know what the wonderful part is out of all this?? He hated it... he didn't enjoy it! He called me that Saturday morning to tell me but I missed his call and before I could call him back as I looked down at my phone at his name I got a bad feeling in my gut. I called him back and he answered I could hear it in his voice... he said "Mom I have to tell you something". My body turned numb, this warm numbing sensation ran though my body and it felt like everything around me was in slow motion...  I began to shake uncontrollably almost dropping the phone I said "What it is Al? What's wrong?" Before he utter a word I already knew, the words relapse flashed in my thoughts like a rolling banner: He Relapsed... prepare yourself, don't freak out Ana, remain calm! At that very moment he SAID IT... He told me... he told me everything. As he sobbed on the phone he was feeling so ashamed of himself, his voice was low I could barely hear him. I kept having to press the phone to my ear to try and hear him. At this point I didn't care what he was saying I just wanted to get to him. I was driving on the freeway going home at the time of the call, I turned the car around and headed straight to Crossroads. He told me he couldn't lie and confessed the night before (Friday night) at a meeting. I was so proud of him... he called me all on his own to tell me what happened and he told me the truth.The weird thing is I felt like he was going to be OK. I still feel that way!

1/26/14 His week has been ruff as he kept having to fight off his guilt and shame. He called me Wednesday night and said MOM I forgot tomorrow is my court date... I said in a calm voice, OK I'll pick up in the morning, don't worry, I'll be there. He needed a victory so I prayed and talked to God in my heart asking for strength come what may. Thursday morning I pick up him up bright and early. He looked so handsome walking to car, I just smiled. I felt calm and as soon as he got in the car I said to him... It's gonna be OK, today is going to be a great day son I got a good feeling!! He sat there nervously shaking his leg saying I hope so mom, thank you for coming, thank you for being here for me, really I mean that mom I love you. I put the car into drive and off we went! To make a long story short... he was the first one called, JUST so the judge can say "you're here great here's your court date!" It's almost comical if it wasn't so insulting to see our court system waste our hard working tax dollars! (rolling my eye in disgust) BUT the good in all this was he got assigned a new public defender Al literally met him as he walk into the court room this guy seemed to really care about his case and explained everything to us in detail. AGAIN with this good feeling I get, I really like him!

1/30/14 Today!! Today we met with his public defender. He was forthcoming and had a plan of action! We talked to him and agreed on a plan. Two hours later he calls Al to tell him he set the plan in action ALREADY! OK Mr I see you! WOW Thank you lord for placing all the right people at all the right moments. So now we wait for their answer!! UGH I hate the waiting! We went to lunch and had a burger, talked about everything under sun from family to friends, we had such a good afternoon together. Needless to say by this point we where emotionally wiped out and by the time we got home Al and I decided it was nap time!! HAHA He laid down in his room and I in mine and we both slept for hours! It was a perfect day for it to, it's cold and it's raining! I felt at peace as I laid in my bed with my comfy comforter drifting to sleep listening to the sound of the rain falling.  Ahhhhhhhhhh

Al is still here hanging out with us. He has to be back at Crossroads by 1am. He's laying in the living room with his dad watching movies. As I'm here in my office typing my blog entry I can hear his outburst of laughter, apparently the movie is funny! AND all I can think of is how lucky I am. When he laughs now it's this gitty chuckle from his gut laugh that make you laugh too, it real, it's genuine! We've had a week of ups and downs... but you know what? He's here with us on a Friday night!! He still fight his addiction with everything he's got and doing everything he can to set the road he on straight by taking accountability. Yeah... he's getting there people he's going to be OK!!! (Can you see me smiling?)

Thursday, January 22, 2015

60 Days

Al celebrated his two months of sobriety! WOW... right!!? As you can tell by the picture I'm all gitty with happiness? I'm on a Jesus high! I can't stop smiling... FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!! He has me full of hope and joy again. He's been engaging in deep conversations with me... even with my brother and sister-in-law. (His Godparents) He talks to us on a regular basis now and he invites us to his meetings. With every conversation he has with us he breaths NEW life into us... into me! He even makes sure to spend an equal amount of time with each of us on his days off. :) He showing us care, concern and that we each matter to him. When I hear my family talk about how Al called to tell them about his day I get all misty eyed and sentimental. I can tell by the looks on their face that means the world to them. I so much enjoy watching him love on them and I enjoy the smiles he gives them. (His core family) He's remembering where he came from and where he belongs! WITH US!

Jan 21st 2015, 60 + days clean

When Al was on heroin we never saw him. He stayed away, we saw him maybe 5-6 times in a year.Each of those times where heart wrenching. He was skin and bones... a hollow vessel going though the motions. At times it was worse seeing him than not seeing him. Because we couldn't do anything to help him. He was so engulfed in that world that he couldn't hear me, he could see he was losing himself. I have a picture of him on his 21st birthday. (below) His skin was this bleak greyish color and he looked as if his soul was being held hostage. Although he smiled for the picture it was just a mask to hide his pain and I could see right though it. I remember that clearly. He was there but a million miles away. I remember when my niece sent me that picture in a text message I took one look and just broke down and sobbed. It's hard to believe that was only 4 month ago.
Al's 21st Birthday

Friday, January 16, 2015

The Biggest Obstacle

It's been an interesting week! (Smiling kind of) It's funny how things unfold. I say this because so much is happening around me right now. Some really tough things happening and I'm not freaking out about it, which is not the my normal reaction to stress. It's as if none of that matters anymore, forget about all the small stuff!! The small stuff is just so insignificant anymore in comparison to Al's battle. Having watched my son "walk through the valley of the shadow of death" literally with his drug use and come out of it bruised and shaken but not defeated has humbled me. To watch him battle daily with himself with all the gilt and the heart ache, the anger, frustration, fear, fear of the future and the unknown and all that stagnant regret truly makes me feel like I have nothing to complain about. REALLY, think about it! He's not only facing the biggest obstacle of his life with all the physically aspects of his heroin addiction BUT he's facing all the mental aspects of his addiction too, you know all the things you wish you could forget... the messy horrible things he's done and saw. I  personally I would crumble, I'm not that strong. But I thank God he is, thank God he's NOT like me in that way.

Al played this song for me the other day on our way back to Crossroads from a day of visiting with us. He said "mom I want you to listen t this song. It speaks to me, listen to the words." The words ARE the lyrics to his story. Hmmm... guts OVER fear that him, that's my boy!! 

Eminem - Guts Over Fear

"I was a... Afraid to make a single sound
Afraid I would never find a way out, out, out
Afraid I'd never be found
I didn't wanna go another round
An angry man's power will shut you up
Trip wires fill this house with tip-toed love
Run out of excuses for every word
So here I am and I will not run

Guts over fear, the time is near
Guts over fear, I she'd a tear
For all the times I let you push me 'round, I let you keep me down
Now I got, guts over fear, guts over fear"

He's got some pretty solid friends at Crossroads. They help him and they don't even know it. They are just like him so feels a kinship with them. When he talks about them his face lights up and for once in his life he doesn't feel so alone. Even though he had all of us... he still felt alone, there's nothing like finding your people. The ones who are just like you, it makes all the difference. At least in Al's case it does.