Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Motherhood, It's The Most Impossible Love

My favorite quote - "I just want you to understand something about motherhood okay. I mean, it's the most impossible love. You tell me when it ends. You tell me when it stops. All I know is, it's absolutely fine for me to teach you how to walk and talk, and then you grow up and you head off in the wrong direction toward a cliff. And I'm supposed to just stand there and wave and go, "Well, kids, good luck. It's Mom. I'm here. “Well, I can't do that. What am I supposed to do, huh? Am I supposed to just put my feet up at the end of the day and say to myself, "Well, you know, they're on their own. - Diane Keaton (Because I Said So)

Monday (yesterday) we had a therapy session with Allen. Needless to say it didn’t go well, I left there feeling depleted and not feeling like anything was resolved, I feel like he just said what we wanted us to hear.

The therapist ask my husband and I “ is there a concern you have the needs to be addressed?” I spoke up and said “Be honest, RIGHT?” The therapist said “yes yes, let's air it out and talk about it.” I said “Mia his girlfriend… or ex-girlfriend so he says. She is our main concern. She enables him and she has convinced herself that she saved (still is saving) his life by doing this, had she not provide the funds for the drugs he would be on the streets doing God knows what to get his drugs. It scares the hell out of me that they both believe this” (oxymoron, right!).... Instantly Al (the addict) comes out, he is getting upset with me I can tell because his demeanor changed the second I mentioned her name. I could feel his negative vibe, it filled the room. He’s still stuck on the idea of her. WHY? WHY WHY!! It’s like he wants to be right for the sake of being right, even if it means losing everything.

Was I NOT supposed to say what I felt when asked the question??… what does he want from me? 

I’m not good at being a door mat and I’m over this situation. I'm letting it go, it is what it is.

I’m so tired I’M JUST SO TIRED!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Yellow Butterflies

It’s funny how when things are looking up you tend to notice beautiful things like a butterfly flying in the sky. A beautiful little yellow butterfly was floating through the shy as I stood outside this morning, and I just enjoyed it's elegance as it danced right in front of me.

Since my son has been in rehab he has called me every signal day. He only gets a few minutes on the phone and he chooses to call me. (SMILING) It’s usually a very short conversation… “How are you feeling today? What did you do today? How are you sleeping?” Then his few minutes are up; we say goodbye and I LOVE YOU and then we hang up. Last night was different he called me and immediately said “mom I have to tell you something”. My heart stopped, I said “what’s wrong son?” He said “I think I want to go to a sober living home when I get done here.” AND JUST LIKE THAT my worries disappear.

You see part of the plan my husband and I discussed and agreed to was to get Al into a sober living community immediately after rehab. It’s his best shot at staying on track. But I was afraid he would get upset and would refuse. But thankfully he came to that decision all on his own. I’ll never forget what he said. Because this is the first time in 7 years I heard HOPE in his voice, TRUE genuine hope. He said “Mom last night I P-R-A-Y-E-D to God to guide me on what to do next. I was feeling unsure and confused. I thought to myself f*** sober living, I just want to go home. But then today I took a tour at a sober living community and I knew this is where I’m supposed to go. It was a feeling inside me.” (Can you picture me smiling, because I am… ear to ear) Then he said “I finally feel like I’m standing on solid ground, I feel good and I have a solid plan.”

Today I called the sober living home he visited and I talked to the director. Steve and I are meeting him tomorrow to look at the home and take a deposit. He has ONE bed left and he’s holding it for Al. THANK YOU GOD!

My brother is always telling me… “Ana you have to take the little victories when you get them.” I’m taking this little victory and I’m running with it!!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Fight or Flight Mode

I saw my therapist yesterday, perfect timing. So much is going on with Allen that I need someone who is not emotionally attached to the situation to give me their feedback, help me think things out logically and to help to easy my nerves. Steve and I have had a lot of time to think about the future and what’s best for Al in his current state. We made a major decisions. It’s the best thing to do for him and the RIGHT thing to do. I know this decision is the best thing for him, but like the true co-dependent I am I’m feeling anxious about it and I’m afraid of his reaction. Will he feel like we don’t want him at home anymore? Will he regress because of it? Will he get mad and isolate him shelf? I can’t handle the “will he’s” and the “what if’s” and I can already feel my body tensing up as I sit and think about it. I have this tiny little head ache that’s been lingering in the back of my head since Steve and I talked about it last week. I can’t handle this stress anymore.

I’m always feeling anxious, ALWAYS!

My therapist said the part of my brain that stores my fight or flight mode is always on fight AND flight. Because this has been so traumatic for me that part of my brain is always “ON”. So simple, doable things still stresses me out because my brain is always in panic mode. We are starting a new type of therapy next week. It’s been proven to work on service men who suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome. Praying I can handle it because according to my therapist it will emerge traumatic memories I’ve repressed and it can be an intense experience at first because he has to dig up those memories in order to “re-train” my brain on how to turn off my fight or flight mode.

I just want to feel normal again. I'm so tired...

Tuesday, July 14, 2015


Am I a codependent or a stressed out mom of an addict?

So how does one deal emotionally with an addict child? What is normal and what is not? I can’t help but feel heartache when I look at my son. I can’t help but feel lost and helpless. I think any parent would, right? I’m afraid if my son doesn’t get well, if he doesn’t fight and goes back to his drug fueled life I won’t know how to live mine. I afraid he is going to die. I so badly want to save him. The reality is I can’t save him… he has to save himself, and the reality to that is I have no control over that so I have to learn how to cope in healthier ways and set firm healthy boundaries with his current condition.

Codependents are people who let the feelings and actions of another person affect them to the point that they feel like they have lost control of their own lives. These are just some of the ways Codependency effects human lives.

  1. Excessive Care-taking: Codependents feel responsible for others’ actions, feelings, choices and emotional well-being. They try to anticipate loved one’s needs and often wonder why others do not do the same for them. YES this is me.
  2. Low self-esteem: Codependents are people who need to be needed. They will only feel important and valuable when they are helping others, and blame themselves for anything that goes wrong. Again this is me when it concerns my son.
  3. Denial: Codependents typically ignore, minimize or rationalize problems in the relationship, believing that “things will get better when….” They stay busy to avoid thinking about their feelings. The one thing I don’t do is stay busy. I break down and isolate myself from the world.
  4. Fear of anger: Codependents are afraid of both their own and their loved one’s anger, because they fear it will destroy the relationship. YES me again, I fear if I stress him out he will walk away and get worse.
  5. Health problems: The stress of Codependency can lead to headaches, ulcers, asthma and high blood pressure. ME written all over it. My health issues have increased the past two years.
  6. Addictive behavior: Codependents may themselves develop addictions in an attempt to deal with their pain and frustration. I'm addicted to my sons addiction.

I’m going this Thursday to my first meeting at Co-Dependents Anonymous

Monday, July 13, 2015

He's There

He’s there… safe and sound… AND 24 HOURS CLEAN! Praying the next 30 days are going to ignite his desire and will to live FREE from his addiction, both from DRUGS and from her. 

Both of their lives are depending on it...!

Friday, July 10, 2015

We Got A Problem Here

My eyes are swollen from crying and I could barely get out of bed this morning. It was a rough night.

Yesterday I get home from work, Steven is laying on the lazy boy chair and Allen sitting on the couch. I walk in put my purse on the kitchen counter walk into the living. My little dog greets me, I bend down to pet her and I look up at Steven and say hi baby then over to Allen “hi hun”. Allen of course smile’s and say hey mom Steven says hi too but I can sense something is off. I go sit on the couch next to Allen playing with my little dog talking and giggling with him. I look over at Steven and seems somber… I say to him “Are you ok Steven? What’s wrong?” He says “nothing mom I’m just tiered. So sit I there for a few more minute chatting with Allen, look over at Steven and there he sits eerily silent. I know somethings wrong so I ask again “STEVEN what’s wrong hun?” Allen says “Mom he’s just tired, he just got home from football practice.” Steven looks at me and says “he’s right mom I’m just tired”

My husband walks in from work at this time, there’s a little small talk then Allen’s sponsor shows up and Allen leaves to a meeting. I walk into the kitchen and my husband looks at me and says “WE GOT A PROBLEM HERE.” I knew it… I look over at Steven and said “What’s going on?” My husband begins to tell me that Steven called him earlier in the day angry. He found “SOOT” finger prints all over the walls in the bathroom and on the doors too. We all know what that is we’ve been down this road before, the soot is from smoking heroin. Steven pulled out his phone and begins to show me pictures of what he found. My heart sank. Allen is using again. I walk over to Steven and I put my hand on his face looked him in the eye and say “I’m so sorry hun you had to see that, it must of broke your heart, I shouldn’t have put you in this position.”  my chest feels to heavy It feels like I can’t breathe, my heart physically is aching. Steven with his gentle loving soul looks at me and says “what are you sorry for mom, we all made the decision to let him back in and help him, we knew this could happen.” Then he wraps his arms around me and we just embraced for a while not saying a word. I can feel his heart pounding and racing as he takes deep long breaths. He's taken back by the power of Al's addiction, he's not sure what to think. He's dismayed, confused and saddened.   

My darling Steven when did he grow up?

A decision was made, when Allen gets home they would confront him. Steven wanted to express what he was feeling to Al, there was no stopping him. My husband was going to make one last plea to him. He either he goes to an INpatient treatment facility OR he had to go. Al was supposed to start an OUTpatient program on Monday. But my husband said at this point it’s not going to work. His addiction has got him so bad that he’s willing to take the risk of losing this LAST chance he’s been given to get high. You see he just got put on probation. The terms of his probation are… random drug testing, outpatient treatment of some sort and random house checks. If he fails to comply they will drop his plea, his original charge will be reinstated and he will be charged with a felony and go straight to jail for 6 month to 1 year MAYBE even longer.

After arguing, lying, pleading, crying and talking to his sponsor he finally admits he used.  He agreed last night to go to an inpatient facility. And now we just sit and wait to see if he follows through today. PLEASE PRAY FOR US. I fear he’s running out of options. 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Promptly Admitted It

He’s in the fight for his life. It sounds a bit dramatic but it’s true.

Temptation is hard on any given level, even more so when you’re dealing with something as powerful as drug addiction. It’s constantly waiting for him, living inside him poking him antagonizing him. Available to him at any time, one text message away. All I can do is give him encouragement. The choice has to come from him to fight off his urges. I sit helplessly as I watch him flounder. I have no clue what I’m doing here.

Something inside me speaks to me when he’s not right. It feels like someone whispers in my ear saying “he’s using, he’s high” then a faint translucent haze covers him. Depending on what’s going on with him the colors vary. When it involves drugs I see a dark grey haze. Instantly I get dizzy, then my heart pounds inside my chest. I HATE IT because even if I wanted to ignore IT, I can’t my senses won’t let me. Silently in my head I try to rationalize it. “Maybe it’s your fear Ana” or “Maybe he’s just not feeling good”. But in the end those warning signals are right. He still try’s to lie about his urges, understandably but until he can face the truth his battle will continue. The 12 steps of recovery is correct in every way. He has to concur and practice #10 on a daily basis. He has to concur all of them.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drug addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics/drug addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

He contacted his previous sponsor. When he did, he felt a bit safer. His sponsor gives his hope and reminds him of the tools he’s needs to use in order to move forward. He’s going to a meeting tonight… the timing could have been better!  

One day at a time... One step at a time! It sounds easy enough but it's not, it's an uphill battle with jagged rocks beneath his feet.