Monday, September 29, 2014

I Tend To

It's been a while... been trying to recuperate. Each fall with Al it breaks me down. The heart wrenching, gut aching sadness creeps up on me and I tend to get a little lost.

I'm just angry right now... 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Who Am I

I decided to take a class at my friends church. It's called "Healing From The Inside Out". The first day was Monday and I can tell already this is going to be an intense class. One of the questions were "Why are you here? Why did you take this class?" There are rules to answering this question, it's not a black and white question believe it or not. This seemingly simple questions provoked me to look deeper into myself. I've come to a realization of something and to why I subconsciously signed up for this class. I'm angry at God. That scares me... how dare I say such a thing, right? When I say it I can feel the anxiety in me start to rise and I have to take a deep breath. I'm angry at him because I feel like HE has abandoned me.

On my way home that night as I was driving down the freeway my mind started to play a slide show of the last six years of my life. When things were so good and life was simple, through the progression of my sons addiction all the way up to the worst moment of my life... the day I fell into a deep pit of despair. It was the day when I found dozens and dozens of those 4x4 square sheets of burnt foil with that perfect swirl of heroin residue on it shoved in his dresser drawer like they were nothing. It was in that very moment I realize I lost him to his addiction and that he had been gone for some time now, he was 19 years old at the time. Somewhere between then and now I lost myself... and I could no longer hear God.

My therapist asked me a good question recently and it kind of goes hand and hand with this class. He said to me... your whole world revolves around your children, it's obvious that this is what motivates you in life, they are what you live for. Then he asked the question that I still have yet to answer "Who Is Ana, who are you without your sons?".... Whoa, wait... WHAT? What do you mean? Oh my gosh, wait WHO AM I? When I was asked that question I paused for a moment and said "I don't know?" I giggled nervously and said to my therapist "I really don't know who I am anymore". Maybe this is why I feel so empty.

Do you know who you are?