Wednesday, February 17, 2016

I'm Just Having a Bad Day

Been feeling kind of down lately. I realize I'm fighting my on going depression, I've been fighting depression way before my son was ever an addict. It's a constant reality check that I'm broken. I find little joy in things that should make me happy. I know... I'm mental! Some days are worse than others. There are some days when I can't shake off my fear. I look at my son and instead of feeling happy I feel scared and anxious. Sometimes... most time I feel like crying. I don't want him to relapse. I can't go back to that PLACE, I just can't!! I know I have no control over that but that's how I feel and I fight like hell to shake it off. Today I'm mentally somewhere else.

 Loosing Mariah has left a gaping hole in my heart. How naive I was to think I had "time" she was chronically depressed and I knew it but I just could deal, my only focus was to save Allen... (CRYING) still is to this day. She was always on my mind, my emotions ranged from anger to sadness, I couldn't even drive down Olive and 103rd Ave or Northern and 107th Ave because those are the areas she work and lived in. I knew if I saw her and if she pushed me away I would lose it.... or if she looked worse (physically) I would lose it even worse because she wanted nothing to do with me. I understand now why she scared me, it's because she was so much like me when it came to our depression. In my deepest darkest moments I was like Mariah. I shut LIFE OUT. I pushed my family and friends away and death was not something I feared.

Don't worry, I'm not in that space anymore. But Mariah's death has been a slow awakening for me. I just need to figure out how to see my way through it.

Being a mother of an addict is a lonely and scary place. Not to many people understand. It feels like you are always walking on the edge. The edge of what? Well to put it plain and simple it feels like your always on the edge of "THE" breaking point.

I'm just having a bad day!

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Allen Wrote a Memory

Allen wrote a memory he had of Mariah. It was published on her website. It was the most viewed page for weeks. I think everyone was waiting to hear from him. He wrote from the heart, a beautiful tribute to Mia.  I love what he wrote!! It made me smile!

Forever Your Mon Loup

I remember when Mariah and I went to San Francisco. It was such a spontaneous moment, we realized that a festival called Rock the Bells was taking place in a week in Mountain View, CA. So we bought two tickets to San Fran and we left that Thursday. (Giggle) We were all smiles the entire time… completely in love, in a magical city. We arrived at this festival with VIP tickets that were roughly 8-10 rows from the stage, that's how we did things loud and big. The two day concert was amazing we got to see all of our favorite rappers and RnB artists. Mariah got to go on stage with TYGA and danced her heart out with her 5 inch stilettos, (smiling) looking like nothing to mess with, she was glowing and she looked so beautiful! She came back to our seats and instantly received looks left and right from every man in the vicinity I didn't care because I knew this women had love for one man and I was lucky enough to be that man. We continued to enjoy nothing but good vibes, people, and music all night. I even got to meet my favorite artist ASAP Rocky and I about turned into a school girl, I was so excited. The next day we spent it in the heart of downtown San Francisco and we instantly fell in love with this amazing magical city. I promised her in China town that I would make all the necessary moves to get us to Frisco to live there for the rest of our days and that I wouldn't stop hustling until I made that happen. I may not be able to keep that promise anymore but I'll never stop grinding for that dream because there will be a day when I'm living in a beautiful high rise overlooking a city… and when I do it will forever remind me of Mariah. She was the only girl I ever wanted to move away with especially to San Francisco, the Bay will forever be “our” town.

San Francisco will always remind me of Mariah’s love and how unconditional it was. I'm truly blessed to have experienced that beautiful women’s love! There hasn't been a day where I don't talk to her and ask her to guide my path. I want to be that man she so deserved, so I’ll dedicate my sobriety to you Mariah and the journey to come. I love you Mariah with all my soul and I will miss you every minute of every day that I live.

Forever your Mon Loup
Allen Counts

It means my wolf in French. We made a code word to start every conversation with Mon Loup so we knew it was each other… (laughing) It just stuck and we called each other that all the time.

This picture was taken in San Francisco on their trip!
Look at her smile... pure happiness!