Monday, March 24, 2014

He had to let go... I see now

Letting it go.... it's seems simple enough? It's not, I hate to tell you it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. I have yet to grasp the full idea of "letting it go" but I think I have the premises of it. After an enlightening conversation with my two beloveds, my nephew and my niece I realized a few things. I'm not the only one in deep sorrow over Al. I'm not talking about being sad I'm talking about this yucky deep heart wrenching gut pulling heart aching sorrow. The kind you feel when you know you lost, the kind of sorrow that eats away at our happiness and won't let you go. I can be pretty selfish in this sorrow of mine. Selfish enough to not see that my beloveds are hurting too. My nephew was the one who said that horrible word "junkie". He said that this is how he has to deal with it... saying he's this other person helps him get thought this. Thinking of Al was killing him and trying to get though day to day was to hard. He said because if he had to look at Al the way I see him, the way he was before he got sick it would kill him. He had to let go of the Al he once knew in order to move forward with this other Al the drug addict. His tears said it all... my nephew was sobbing, fight back his emotions as he sat in my chair looking at the ground talking to me. He's this big tough guy who always seems like he got it together. He's smart and educated, athletic and successful at work but this has him perplexed and overwhelmed so much he had to figure out someway to let Al go. I see now! I get it!

The next morning I came face to face with myself .. I woke up walked into the bathroom washed my face and as I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror what I saw frightened me. I saw a woman who was lost in her sorrow. I look like I've aged 10 years, my hair thinned out from the stress, winkles and bags under my eyes. My body feels like it's 80, aches and pains everywhere and I'm only 43 years old FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. So I closed my eyes... took a deep breath and said to myself you can't fix him he won't let you at least not today, you can't make him see what he doesn't want to see at least not today, you can't keep continuing like this Ana so let it go, at least for today. Allow yourself to be happy with other things without feeling guilty just for today. Allow yourself to continue living this life without him just for today... let it go.

When I did truly let it go just for today, I finally felt some peace. I still think of him and allow myself to be a little sad for a few minute but then I shake it off and move forward... just for today. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes. :)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Bible Verse of The Week

Hebrews 11:6  6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

Monday, March 17, 2014

I Hope You Didn't Think I Forgot About You

My son finally stopped by to see me. My birthday was Thursday 3-13 and I thought he forgot. But around 7:45pm while sitting at dinner he texted me, it said... “Hey mother I just wanted you to know that I wish you a happy birthday. I hope you didn't think I forgot about you because I didn’t. I really do wish you the best day; I hope you can enjoy it to the fullest. I have a card for you. Would it be alright if I drop it off tomorrow? I know it’s not much but I put a lot of time into it and a lot of words from the heart.” My eyes welled up with tears as I texted back saying YES please come by to see me.

He came by Saturday night. (I’m smiling as I type this) He still looks pretty thin but he looked OK, he had a calm sense about him and he seemed content. His hair has gotten really long and kind of shaggy. (Giggle) He looks so cute like that. He was fully engaged in conversation with me and his father. He just got off work. Yes…. he’s still working, and he went back to school part time, thank you lord! He’s still fighting, he’s still trying!! He's still here! (Deep breath)

There are no words that can explain how seeing our son lifted our spirits. As he walked through the front door I wrapped my arms around him and just held him tight. He took four steps in the house and his dad bear hugged him and held him tight too. Then Junior hugged him… I could see the relief in my husband’s eyes as he stared at Al while he was hugging his little brother. We made him a plate to eat and we sat down with him and talked for a couple of hours. My boy is still so loving, he just let me hug on him, he would grab my fingers with his hands as he was talking and lean against me shoulder to shoulder as we sat on the couch resting his head on mine as he was telling us all about his job and what was on his mind. As I sat there listening to him I couldn't help but watch his every move, it was as if I was mentally taking snap shots of that moment to save in my heart and in mind in case I don't see him again for a while. He was talking about his meditation class and how it’s teaching him to calm his mind down and how to center himself. I couldn't help but think… it’s my son talking to me!!! It was Al not the drugs it was my boy at that very moment. I just closed my eyes and listened to his voice allowing myself to let go of the hurt and the anger.

It filled my cup… I think it filled all our cups.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Junkie... whoa that one really hurt!

It started with a song I heard on the radio yesterday, a song I used to sing to Al when he was little. It sent my emotions off. I can't help it. He's my SON.

I messaged two people I love, two people I trusted, two people in my  family. I just typed what I was feeling at the moment, I was venting. The condescending messages that followed crush me. Out of all the words that where said the one that rang the loudest to me was the word “junkie”. I quote... "He's a junkie" It pierced my heart and left me wounded. I’m not sure I can recover from that one?!


Monday, March 3, 2014

Missed Call

Just the sound of his voice can quite the area of my heart that misses him so much it hurts but almost in that same moment it can break my heart into a million pieces. Al accidentally called my phone today. I was already having a shitty day! I looked down at my phone and saw I had a missed call. I really didn't think it would be him but it was and it thew me off kilt seeing their number. Sadly two thoughts come to mind when I see their number. First thought is: Is he OK, is he hurt, is he dead? Second thought is: What does he want from me, ride, money? I take a deeeep breath and I immediately called him back. He told me he was at work and said "I'm so sorry mom I butt dialed you". He had that awkward giggle... you know, when your in a room with people and you can't really talk. I just polity said "Oh... OK" It was like someone knocked the wind out of my sail. I'm not sure what expected? But I stayed focused on his voice trying meter his tone, trying to hear what was in the background. I'm a little OCD, ya think? I said to him " Well if that's all I get is an accidentally butt dial I guess I'll take it" He said to me "that sounds awful the way you put it." "I'm sorry mom... but I'm OK? Doing OK! Hang in there mom... I love you". I said... "I love you too son, good bye".

As I hung up the phone the sounds of the office turn back up to full volume, it was like everything paused for those few minutes. As the world around me resumes to it's full speed it sinks in. I sat at my desk and tried not to cry!! After a few minutes of fighting back my emotions I composed myself enough to get up and walk to my friends desk. I tell her what happened, I broke down and quietly sobbed. I haven't talked to him or heard his voice in what feels like forever and that's all I got? WHAT WAS I EXPECTING? I guess I was hoping for that miracle everyone keeps saying will happen. That phone call saying he's ready for help and he wants to get better. When will I get it though my head there's no easy way out of this!?