Disconnected

His phone is now turned off. He still has not contacted me. Disconnected again... Out of reach once more. He never called on Easter, and he hasn't talked to anyone. Its like he wants to disappear.

I have decided, I'm not going to chasing him this time. I need him to choose to call me, to choose to face us. It has to be his choice. I know I was the only voice of reason he allowed in his world last time but this time around he has shut me out completely. Begging him won't do anything.

Sometimes its feels like I can't catch my breath. Anxiety is high. I keep getting reminded that my health is poor and I need to keep it together for my other son and my husband. The pressure of having to stay strong stresses me out the most because I don't know if its OK to cry anymore. My family and friends mean well but I don't think they realize how I struggle.

Trying to contain all this sadness and worry is exhausting and impossible. It lingers like fog... dense and vast. I have no idea how to make it go away. (Deep Breath Ana) However with that being said I know I'm walking on the edge and I have to SOMEHOW try and channel all this negative energy into something else. I'm working on that. Mean time I try so hard to hide my heart ache. I miss him and I'm so worried he will overdose or wither away with his already thin frame.