I Even Listen To My Fears
Since her death I’ve been on a mission to build something in honor of her struggle. I can’t explain the sorrow that lives in my heart. The pain has simmered down to a low boil, but it never goes away entirely. Her name comes up a lot. Her memory still lives inside us. For me that's the hardest part, living with her memory; it haunts me. There are some days when she is ever so present. A song or and scent even her favorite quotes pop up out of nowhere. She has forever changed my life. Life is different now, and it has whole new meaning for me.
I keep her picture in my house and at work. It's a reminder of her time here with us and a reminder for me to never forget what she taught me.
Since starting Wings Of Hope her story has opened up so many doors. But every time I take a few steps forward it seems like I keep getting road blocks. All I want to do is help and spread awareness. It’s exhausting mentality and physically. Help is few and far between when it comes to addiction. And at times it frustrates me to no end. I do feel like I’m heading in the right direction, although there are so many challenges I just can't stop! I feel a calling deep in my gut it yearns to be heard. This calling lingers in my soul and won't stay quiet it wants to be freed. So here I sit anxiously awaiting the next move. Every chance I get to tell people about Mariah and Allen I do. I feel I have an obligation to speak out about this. Our struggle is like so many others out there, needing to be heard.
I don't know where this road will take me but I will keep walking down it until God tells me to stop. Right now in this very moment, I'm at peace. I try not to worry about tomorrow. I try not to guess what's around the corner. I do my best to lift my hands to God and say "I give it all to you"! Let go and let God guide me. So I sit and listen, I close my eyes and take refuge in the silence. I pay close attention to all signs life gives, I even listen to my fears. There's always a message floating in the air traveling between our conscious and subconscious and if you can drown out the mumbling of the world you can and YOU will hear God. He's always talking to us.