I Couldn't Help But Noticed
Yesterday was mothers day. Most people I know celebrated the day with their moms and family. I however wanted to crawl in bed and just sleep and drift away in my dreams. My fear was Al wouldn't show up, that he would forget. He's done that to me a few times already. In my normal day to day life I can typically just blow it off as I've done in the past but on Mother's Day it would have crashed me. But I pealed myself out of bed and took my mother to breakfast, came home and relax with my family preparing myself just in case he didn't show. Al finally made it to the house about 4:45 just in time for dinner. We ate and watched TV, he even snuggled with me on the couch and fell asleep in my arms like old times. My boys are young men but they still finds comfort in my arms just as I find comfort in their arms. It's almost like a warm soft plush blanket fresh out of the dryer, wrapped nice and snug around you type of feeling. There's nothing greater than that feeling... NOTHING!
I couldn't help but noticed that Al looked dirty. I can't help it, I'm very vigilant when it comes to Al. He taught me to be this way... a long time ago! His hair now out of control, mismatched cloths as if he literally just picked up whatever was on the floor and threw it on. Old dirty converse with no socks. He had that black soot smudged on his arms, hands, fingers, nails, neck and eyes and even in his ears. Not a lot but enough to look a little dirty. He looks thin, has that greyish skin tone and he still has that awful cough. What that tells me is he's still smoking heroin and doing it so much that he's starting to not care about how he looks anymore. I can't help but wonder if or when he will start injecting it next. That's the next step they say?! (big sigh) In comparison from today to a year ago the change in his appearance is dramatic. A year ago I have a picture of him with his hair short and combed neatly, his cloths are color coordinated and trendy. He was doing drugs then too but obviously something has shifted, transmogrify. I have this horrible feeling inside, as if something fatal is going to happen to him. I've had this feeling since his drug abuse started but these feeling seems to be getting worse lately.
I couldn't help but noticed that Al looked dirty. I can't help it, I'm very vigilant when it comes to Al. He taught me to be this way... a long time ago! His hair now out of control, mismatched cloths as if he literally just picked up whatever was on the floor and threw it on. Old dirty converse with no socks. He had that black soot smudged on his arms, hands, fingers, nails, neck and eyes and even in his ears. Not a lot but enough to look a little dirty. He looks thin, has that greyish skin tone and he still has that awful cough. What that tells me is he's still smoking heroin and doing it so much that he's starting to not care about how he looks anymore. I can't help but wonder if or when he will start injecting it next. That's the next step they say?! (big sigh) In comparison from today to a year ago the change in his appearance is dramatic. A year ago I have a picture of him with his hair short and combed neatly, his cloths are color coordinated and trendy. He was doing drugs then too but obviously something has shifted, transmogrify. I have this horrible feeling inside, as if something fatal is going to happen to him. I've had this feeling since his drug abuse started but these feeling seems to be getting worse lately.
Comments
I am a recovering addict who put my own Mother through hell during my active addiction, and I recently stumbled across your blog while doing an assignment from my sponsor... I'm supposed to seek a better understanding of the pain I caused my family- my mom in particular. In NA they teach us that before we can begin to make amends to the people we have wronged and hurt, we must understand the nature of our wrongs. Your blog is helping me immensely to *begin* to maybe sort of kind of understand a TINY bit of what my mother went through. I cannot thank you enough for this, so please know that sharing your experiences- your joy as well as your pain- has a real and tangible impact on many lives, especially the lives of those who are also facing some aspect of this indiscriminate and deadly disease. I hope I don't sound callous when I say you should take pride in the fact that you touch people's hearts.
I am so sad/pissed/heartbroken that your son is (and, in a very real way, that you are) battling addiction. My heart and hope goes out to you. It is gut wrenching and unfair that we can't ever know which of us will make it. I've seen people I used with find recovery and begin to rebuild their lives, and yet I've also seen friends buried, stolen too soon from the world by this insidious evil which lives in our heads, warping and changing us until we seem nothing of who we once were- shattered remnants of human beings- unrecognizable to those who love us and often to ourselves as well.
Here is the good news (which you probably already know)... there is always hope. Hope for recovery, hope for us to return to the people we were, to become the people we are meant to be. I know that descriptions of light are little comfort to those in the middle of a dark tunnel, and I regret that I can't offer assurances that relief will soon come. But I do know that NA is getting bigger every day, and because of this, more and more people find recovery every day.
I know you're aware that there is hope. I understand you have, through many extremely difficult and unspeakably painful experiences, come to understand that the addict must make the decision to recover for themselves and that any enabling will not make things better. I hope that you take care of yourself, and receive the love you deserve. I hope that you can continue to make the right decisions for yourself and your life, and that God eases your suffering when those decisions inflict pain that only mothers of addicts can know.
Addicts can fight the disease, can get their lives back; one day Al may decide he is ready to stop, that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. I pray that day comes. My mother was a shining beacon of hope and love even in the darkest of times as I desperately tried to destroy myself and everyone who dared to love such a worthless and hopeless addict. You and my mother have much in common, I think- you're both amazing, strong women and loving mothers. From what I have read, you seem to be doing a good job with boundaries- loving and supporting the addict without enabling and financing the disease. Please know that a mother's unconditional love is one of the most powerful things in this universe... I am certain it means the world to Al, and I am sorry that this love can set you up for so much hurt and despair. I hope one day Al can tell you what I told my mother: that your love was a force of nature, always a reminder of the way back to himself when he finally decided to return to you.
I don't know you, but I love you, and I believe one day you will get your son back.
<3 Tamara
Thank you!! Thank you so much... I needed to hear that. THANK YOU (tears) I'm crying because you touched my heart, you gave me hope the HOPE I struggle to find everyday. THANK YOU for writing me, your words will echo in my heart and in my mind. I don't know you either but I love you too.
GOD sent you my way. I truly believe that... Your my angel.
Ana